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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Spew....

Here we go again. An embrace of pure random...

I had this dream this morning which is why I woke up early. It ended with me running into an ex for the first time in - wow, I don't know how long. I ran into her with as she said some words she had said to me once...

"I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you. A good catch... and you're not usually my type..." she said.

"It's good to see you again..." I replied.

Then I woke up.

Maybe it's just because it's November and Thanksgiving is close. I'm sure my place at that table in Lake Mary has been replaced by another someone.

I try to believe in the someone. But I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause I'll have Kyla with me and because it's November near Thanksgiving. It was the most important holiday they have. And recently, they had to spend it apart as a family because some were traveling or whatever. They were and are a good people. I miss them at times. Especially around this time. But - as a slogan said on a friend's t-shirt on his last day of work said - "it is what it is..."

Anyway.

A friend in the West just had a boy bruise her heart. I don't get it. She's amazing. Why anyone would miscalculate this... is beyond me.

I guess I at times envy those boys. But we lie in the bed we've made for ourselves.

For my friend, I say it will get better. And if it doesn't, call me. And I'll try to make it better. And if I can't, well, at least I'll have tried and we'll try to find someone who can :).

I called my mom to apologize for being an asshole tonight. I was. I won't get into why, but I was. And I've been stewing on it for the last two days and while I have some merits to my argument, the matriarch of my family, the wife of my father and the woman who brought me into the world was not deserving of my words and my frustration the other night. So I humbled myself, and asked her for forgiveness.

Forgiveness. Yes. In every sense of the word. For I was wrong. And the only way I could make it right was to find myself, seek peace and learning through humility, humbling myself and casting my pride aside, and asking her to give me a pass for the way I was with a promise that I will try not to let it happen again.

I get frustrated at times that people in life try to say things like "I'm just trying to provide for OUR daughter" when in fact that daughter they speak of could never be theirs. Especially when the depth of their deception is almost insurmountable. Specifically when they are involved... but are not related.

You get it, right?

I hate that I believed some bold faced lies at times and allowed certain things to happen because I thought I was doing the right thing.

These two specific things haunt me. They're why sleep evades me at times.

And I will NOT allow this person to ever again threaten ANYTHING related to my daughter - including her mom - ever again. Period. So help me God.

Maybe that is wrong. Maybe I should be more understanding. But I've heard about year after year of promise after promise shrouded in deception after deception, and if the cycle can't be broken from within, well, then I swear to God I will break it from outside.

I have a few main responsibilities in life. 1) To be the best dad and defender I can be of my daughter. 2) To make sure we live the best lives we can and are as comfortable as we can be. 3) To do more than just be the best at what I do for a living. 4) To make a difference so that someone can come along after me and do the same thing for a future generation.

I had a wonderful time on a boat off the grid. So much so that I'm doing it again soon.

I know I couldn't do what I do if you - who listen in DC, Dallas, Jax and beyond - didn't allow me to do so. And thank you for this. You don't know me. I don't know you. But you make this all happen.

While we're at it, let me say thanks for something else.

I never - ever - knew that so many of you would find what we do to be so engaging. But for whatever reason, you do, and as a result, the ratings in DC, and in DFW, have been almost surreal. In fact, they're the stuff that you could only dream of when you do what we do in radio.

Thank you.

I swear to you that I don't expect anything from you. I just go into a room and try to share things with you while hoping they're within formatic rules, that they make sense and that you somehow find something that connects with you. For whatever reason, you feel that is happening. And you've given me a gift I can't repay you for.

So all I can say is thank you. And I hope not to let you down.

Tonight, I went into Kyla's room. I'm making a few changes to her room so that it can be a great guest room at times, but most importantly, it's a room Kyla loves when she's with me, since these times are a bit segmented now. New flatscreen tv's. New layout. A new Wii in her room. Toys cleaned up and organized. Ditto clothing. And with a new layout that maximizes space. It's sorta becoming the room I would have wanted if I were a 6 year old girl. LOL.

While in there, I looked back at the books I've got from her last three years at Academy. What great people. What things she learned. What an amazing education.

I thanked God that I'm able to give her a private education when she's with me. She's so much better because of this. I think we laid the best foundation here we could.

You never know as parent if you're doing the best you can do.

You never know in life if you're doing all that you can do.

In life, you miss the things that you thought were the right thing to do.

The other night, when I was with Kyla in Tampa, she told me where to turn to get to her mom's house. She said, "Dad, you have to turn by the apartments that look like....."

She stopped talking. As if she knew that what she would say might not be what I wanted her to say.

"Look like what, Ky?" I said.

"Well they look like... (insert ex girlfriend's apartments name here)...."

"I guess they do, don't they..." I said, outside of Tampa as I turned near a new apartment complex that indeed resembled one which a part of our past once called home lived at.

"Yeah, daddy. We need go this way" she said.

I told Kyla thank you for telling me what navigation failed to tell me. Then I go, "you miss her don't you..."

She goes, "you miss her too sometimes right daddy?"

I go, "yes. but that's part of life."

"Does she miss us?" she asked me.

"I don't know. But she really loved you and I bet that hasn't changed..."

Ky then changed the subject to something related to Care Bears.

The life and words of children are amazing aren't they?

Goodnight.







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