Saturday, September 12, 2009

Why is it that so many I know are suffering in their relationships?

What is it about so many people I know in relationships?

For some reason, there are too many people in my life comtemplating life changes which aren't just ripples in a still pond in the morning.

They're pondering 'parting the Red Sea,' as it were.

And it's not a good thing... 

I'm talking about people who are seriously considering ending vows they made before their God and friends.

I'm talking about people who have been in long term relationships who are now finding that they either aren't in love the way they used to be, or they're learning that they're in loveless relationships, or feel that they're unloved, or who have discovered truths about the people they're with now which lead them to believe that closing the chapter of life they've been writing might just be the best way to begin again.

It's unfortunate. But it's life for so many I know or know of right now.

So this morning, I want to share some words from my heart as one who has failed at a million relationships. As a dumb boy who had the best things in life not just once, but many times, and who has failed to find the fairy tale because I was infatuated with my own sordid smut paperback life. As someone who got in his own way and who ran others out of the way. And as someone who once loved himself and his job more than he loved anything else.

At least until Kyla came along and taught me unconditional love. But even then I still managed to mess up some stuff because for a long time my job was my concubine... the other woman in my world, ya know?

I've written here that you can't help who you fall in love with. You can't. We all want the fairy tale. We all want to be swept up in the pure bliss of romance and to believe that words and phrases like "no matter what" and finding a "someone" can be everything little girls and boys were taught they could be by reading the fairy tales of Prince Charming and Cinderella.

In life, there are no glass slippers.

Clear heels? Yes. Glass slippers and Ruby Slippers? Nope.

In fact, I think in life you need a good pair of Under Armour cross trainers.

Why? Because they give you support. Comfort. They protect your ankles as you run and offer support as you lift the burdens which come in this life. And, you spend a lot of time in life chasing dreams, so you need to make sure you're doing so in something that equips you for the journey.

Have you ever seen a woman run in heels? A man for that matter?

It ain't easy.

Neither is life. Nor is love.

So to my friends - from online twitter acquaintences to friends from my past to some who are closest to me because we're tied together in life becasue of our shared responsibilities and love for a little one - let me share from my heart with you...

Life isn't perfect, but we can strive for perfection. But in relationships, while there are sacrifices on both sides, if you're the one making all the sacrifices, then it's not a relationship. It's something else. And you need to evaluate where YOU are. Sometimes, love isn't enough. Sometimes, you can't love enough for both people in a relationship. Sometimes boys marry because they think it's the right thing to do and then, they continue to live their lives like they're in their early twenties - out all night, drunk, spending the rent money on shots for all his friends - and this isn't right when you've said "i do..."

If your life's partner isn't being honest with you, then he's not being honest with himself, and if the relationship is built on dishonesty, it will fail if it's not fixed and fixed fast.

Love can overcome, but both of you have to want that love to overcome. It's not just enough for one person to want it for both. No, it has to be both. Or it can't be at all. A loveless marriage is like having untreated cancer.

And, don't let yourself believe that if you leave, it makes YOU a bad person. No, it means YOU decided that you LOVE YOURSELF enough to say 'this is not what life is for me, for us, and for what a family could be someday...' and move on.

Sometimes, real love means letting go. If it's supposed to be, it will be, but if that love fades after you've released it, then, you and the one you loved will be better off for it.

But never let go of love for yourself. You are worth your dreams. Your ideas of fairy tales. While nothing is perfect, you should always aim as high as you can, because even if you miss the mark a little bit, you'll either end up higher than you wanted to be OR you'll be higher than you were when you took aim.

Just don't aim for the ground by being down. Or by allowing yourself to be depressed. Then you just waste love's ammunition and you'll get your amazing Jimmy Choos dirty.

Anyway, I believe in you, friends who are going through tumutuolus times. Don't be afraid, though. And don't lose hope.

To paraphrase a song, "don't let 'em take away your beautiful smile."

Storm clouds always pass. And brighter days are always just ahead.

It's funny. I see the gray clouds from our studio here this morning, but I can tell there's blue and sun trying to poke it's way through. Eventually it will overcome the gray and you will too.

Just don't ever stop believing in you.


1 comment:

  1. Carissa10:03 PM

    Wow, Toby. This is as poetic as it is true. Nice job!