Today I received some sage advice from a sage individual.
"Do you believe in karma?" he asked.
"Sure I do," I said.
"If you put out negative it will come back at you... so why fight this fight..."
The law of attraction. How did I forget about this? Today I grappled with this as I made some decisions about things. What is not too important. What I learned, to me at least, is.
I forgot about this law of attraction - which I believe in and embrace - because I became obsessed. Not like Mariah's "Obsessed" which disses Eminem, but obsessed like so obsessed with getting some attention for an undertaking I had embraced that I cast aside any rules, standards, best practices - well - i just adopted a scorched earth approach and scorched some Earth which to me at least is sacred ground:
And in my family - radio and personally - family is 'sacred'.
"Have you lost your mind?" I was asked today by a brother.
I think for a moment, yes, I did.
I was Captain Ahab hunting Moby Dick, who, in fact, I was hunting, because he is the definition of Captain Ahab hunting a much bigger Moby Dick -- the entire industry I work in. If you've followed my facebook notes, you can read more about this there and why I became obsessed with fighting this war.
But being Captain Ahab is dangerously similar to being Don Quixote, and in my quest, I burned someone close to me. Someone like family.
For that, I'm truly sorry.
For attacking Captain Ahab and becoming Ahab myself, well, I can't take back my missteps, but I can say this:
I'm now smarter.
Obsession breeds obsession. Negativity - and even attacking negativity - can, as my Sage colleague reminded me of earlier - can bring negativity.
Negativity can consume you. It can make you what you despise. I walked to the edge of becoming that today and looked over the edge. The rocks fell off the edge - some caused some damage - and my footing slipped a bit...
... but I did not fall over the edge.
Thankfully I adjusted some course. Hopefully it's enough to mend some wounds.
And now I move on. Smarter and wiser from the experience. Smarter and wiser knowing that I don't want to become what I - or what radio - most despises:
An angry bitter old son-of-a-bitch who is so angry that his goal in life isn't to educate, liberate or inform...
... it's to destroy.
I won't go down like that.
So, welcome back to my blog. It's been a while since I've updated here. I'm sorry I've been gone so long, and I promise I'll be unfiltered where I can be, uncensored when I need to be, uplifting and controversial when it's right to be and I promise I'll try to be as honest as I always can be.
Here's where you'll find the things which don't make sense on the radio station's dot com. Here's where I'll run my mouth on things I find interesting. Where I share things which don't quite fit on the station site and where I'll let you in on where my head - and heart - is as we go through this life. I won't get into a pissing match with a skunk unless I have to do so. I won't stoop to anyone else's level to make a point or to fight a war. Instead, I'll play by the rules that I've always played by:
Protect the license and have fun. Work hard and play harder. AFDI. And push the edge to find out where it used to be.
Earlier tonight, electronic musician and aural artist BT posted something I found to be prolific. It's what inspired me to write here tonight. In a tweet earlier, he said:
Life is being in process. There is no moment of arrival. Search for meaning instead of happiness.
How right you are BT.
Welcome to my search for meaning.
I'm Toby Knapp. Welcome to my journey.
PS - for those who don't know me, or who do, and want to get a glimpse at what I call the Columbia years - or my time in SC's capitol city, feel free to read the past posts here. What a life, right? Sometimes I can't believe I live it.