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Sunday, May 22, 2005

Sunday Randoms.........

Today was - in fact, this weekend was, the #1 reason I am thankful to be in the South.... 70 degrees, sunny all weekend... maybe some clouds but who cares... it was an amazing weekend. For just a split second, I found myself missing Shepards on Clearwater Beach! It was just gorgeous here today... I walked around the complex where I live in the Northeast of Columbia today, as I was using our fitness center here today... Let me just tell you... I have some HOT neighbors! It was like being back on HI in Tampa! I'll talk more on the air about this Monday most likely... But wow. What a weekend.

It made me miss the times when Kyla was still just several months old that we would take her to the pool in our building in Tampa. It's pretty tough, I've gotta tell ya, because there were 4 or 5 little babies with their moms and dads at our pool today... Kyla would have fit in so well. People in the South are generally nicer, so I actually talked to some of my neighbors and their small babies today. I can't help it. My paternal instincts are pretty confused, but today, when I held one of my neighbor's little ones, I could feel that longing inside me well up again. I try pretty hard to keep it to myself, but, nonetheless it comes back. The line from a song I hear is from Lightning Crashes by LiVE. "I can feel it coming back again... like the rolling thunder chasing the wind..."'

It was a good day - spent working for a few minutes - and then spent out with friends outside doing something I used to love doing as a kid... and I realized today that I was better as a kid at it than I am now. I won't go into what it is because I am frustratated at how BADLY I performed. I think I get a competitive streak from my grandmother. She's amazing. She refuses to lose. I truly hope Kyla grows up to be like her. It just sucks because now, by no fault of my own or of her own, she'll not really get to know her Great Grandmother on my side of the family. Add that as reason 1549585490 as to why it sucks to go through what I am going through.

But, as much as I vent, things are good. I "chase" the pain that I am going through with Kyla with the love for life that I've been built with - and with the knowledge that better days are just ahead. As someone from FLA reminded me in an email, "you know, tk, just be a great dad and make sure you're living a great life, and you might be suprized what choices Kyla makes on her own..."

I hope you're right.

This is going to sound insane... But I've been thinking about adoption. Not that I am going to do it, but I see how great Angelina Jolie is with her adopted son, Maddox. Today, I felt what Brad Pitt must feel... I just love kids. I always have for some reason. There's something just so cool about the blatant honestly of a child. An unspoiled innocence. My friend, Tommy, adopted a little baby with his partner and his son is amazing, too. Now, don't go thinking I am considering adoption... I am just really thinking about kids. Maybe it's because I have one that I can't be with right now, or maybe it's just because I want to do everything right this time based on what I've learned from everything I've done wrong. Who knows. But I know I was meant to be a father... and someday, I pray, I will have the chance to do so again. I want Kyla to have a little brother or sister... and hopefully Kyla will understand that even though they won't have the same mommy, that they're loved equally, that they are both family and share the same name... which to me, is more than enough.

Busy week ahead at work... I am going to take the rest of my Sunday evening to rest, recharge and to meditate on my life, what I need to do to make Constant And Neverending Improvements to it and on how I can be the best friend, partner, leader and teacher I can be.

Now, some mail...

Hey…..I am so happy to hear that you on going on VACATION soon, if it’s FL then you better let me know so I can meet you!

LOL GOSH, I just saw a new pic of Kyla and she looks just like you. She is a beautiful little girl. Hopefully some day you will be close by her so you can spend more time with her. I know by seeing her pic’s it must be rough on you, but the good thing is she is still small and really does not know on what’s going on. No matter what happens in the relationship, you seem like a funny, awesome guy. And it sounds to me like you have already meet someone special…..can’t wait until you “come out”LOL


My reply...

Hey! Thanks for writing. You want to know something? I don't go look at the site her mom has for her. I know my family does, and I know that others I know do, and trust me, I know that some of you go from my page to the other page just to see if there's any drama, or whatnot, but you are right. It does hurt to see pictures of things I once got to experience first hand.

I know you must think that I should "get past it" and look in from time to time to see pictures, but, for reasons I'll keep to myself, just know that I don't. Kyla's been shared with the world since the day she was born.. and as her daddy, I want some special moments to keep just to myself. I have some... not as many as I should, but I have some nonetheless. In fact, I, like a proud daddy, sent a bunch of my fellow radio friends her pics from her bday! Anyway, I just made a choice not to go to that page. There is too much pain there and fortunately, the scars, at least for me, have healed. Once in a while, Ky's "custodial parent" sends me a pic here and there of a milestone I've missed and I look on those with pride, just as any daddy would.

Now, to address my "coming out"...


Hope you enjoyed it! LOL! That's right. I'm not addressing that. That will for the first time in YEARS remain private. I am sure you'll see, or hear about it soon enough! Let's just say this: I am blessed. When God closes a door, He really does open a window. Life is funny that way.

Thanks for writing as you often do, and I hope you are well!


Send me emails. I'll keep your name/address private because God knows one time I posted email names and stuff here and people got harassing emails... so I'll keep your identity between us... tobyknapp@clearchannel.com is the addy to use... Thanks for passing by and reading my randomness on a Sunday. I trust you're all well and we'll talk soon.

:)

tk