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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

More from the mailbag

This is fun! I was with one of my co-workers today and I say, "bro, given my track record of TRAGEDY when it comes to my past relationships, I wonder why people really think I can give good advice on how a relationship can be!"

Then, over the Mucho Lunch at El Chico, I realized something... I've screwed it all up, so I should be pretty good at telling people how things are! Trust me - I've BLOWN it... Which makes me kind of a master, right???

So - here's some more mail!


>>>>


Toby,
So I was surfing the web, bored at work and pulled up your blog site, and found my email. First thanks for posting it and thanks for no giving out my name and email address! .
The reason I asked you for some advice is because you are a man and a dad. See the guy I am talking about is a dad. And I was wanting someone who had kind of the same experiences that you have had. He was married for a short peirod and divorced. Now he has a wonderful daughter. So I thought that you would be the guy to ask my question to.
Anyways he did phone last night. And said that it is a whole "trust" issue. See his ex cheated on him while he was married. And that he is working on it. Working on it means he is working on what he calls not feeling so "strange". So I guess I am just giving him his space and letting him phone and make plans. We will see what happens then. What do you think about all of this is this a bunch of BS?
Well hope to hear from you soon! Hope your enjoying your day!


My response...


Hey there...

Ah, I get it now. I am sorry he was cheated on. You gotta understand a couple of things about dudes. 1) I cheated once and got caught. We tried to work it out, and even with a beautiful child, we couldn't make it work. See, I personally think we never really recovered from it. What should have been a "forgive and work to get over" became a "forgive and constantly remind" and that's why it didn't work.

Not sure about with him, but for me, that #1 situation leads to the #2 thing you need to realize about dudes... Deep down inside, they're insecure little boys - especially after they've been dumped. Even if they're cheating on you, when you, the chick, dump the dude, you become insecure, you retreat and you become very VERY insecure.

Now, to your thing - what I am saying is that I think he tried to make it work out and it didn't. So, now he's got lots of doubt and that's why he's got legitimate trust issues, but he's also got some inate insecurities too now.

That's what I am going through now. I dont think I am good enough to move on! Seriously... I think that I am gonna be too much trouble for the person I move on with... I think that the complications of me being a daddy will cause problems, too! I am in the gym all the time now b/c i think I need to (and, well, I do) need to drop MY baby weight from the last year, and you freak about that because with the baby's mama, I didn't have to worry about it as much! UGH! Lots of insecurities... he's gotta be feeling them BIG TIME! So here comes YOU... showing him attention, and he's so conditioned to FAILURE from the last one that he just can't move forward! He is afraid you'll bitch at him, yell at him, be just a complete C U Next Tuesday to him and that "echo" from the past eventually effects the future... YOUR future.

Trust me - he's going through the same things right now.... and they're not at all easy.

I'd say to give him a minute. Be supportive. Tell him that you understand and that you're willing to work with him. Realize he's gotta deal with his ex forever as she's the mom of his daughter and that it's not an easy thing to do... TRUST ME. Being a daddy from a distance sucks big time... and it's not at all easy. Not at all.

All of this being said, realize he's gotta work on himself as much as he's working on your relationship. You're not fighting for time or attention... you're just caught in a situation where he's fighting mental battles on two fronts. If it's meant to be - and if you BOTH really want it to work, it will. Trust me on that. If you BOTH want it bad enough, it will happen. But if ONE of you waivers, it will go down in flames. I think I speak from experience on that one.

If you both commit to working through it, to walking hand in hand through the trials that will come from this short term pain, you'll find long term happiness. As someone told me last night, "Follow your feelings, you must..."

Good luck to you. Hopefully I said something that helped.

Off to some star wars BS!

tk