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Sunday, May 15, 2005

Missed milestones...

12:36 on Sunday morning... I just returned from my weekly appearance at Club Ra in Columbia's historic Vista station. In case you're among the former Florida faithful who frequent my blog, the Vista is like Ybor - only smaller. And Ra is like Ampitheater - only smaller. And instead of Techno, people line up and do this dance to the "hustle" and the "electric slide" and the "donkey butt" song. I mean - people my age. Yes. It's the damndest thing I've ever seen.

But it feels good to be home to relax, unwind and rest. I've gotten used to the silence of this apartment which was once filled with noises and life and I've learned that there is something very special that comes with the calm when you "enjoy the silence".

Kyla's walking now. Milestone 14023492103944 I've missed since she's been gone. Her mom was kind enough to send a picture. No doubt you've seen it.... Shit, you've seen everything about Kyla since she was born. Kinda funny, hua? You know exactly as much as I do about her development since we both get to watch it unfold together on the web. Now, don't go saying "Bitter - table for one" just yet. I am by no means angry... I am just saddened because I always wanted to make sure I did things the "right" way, but as I've learned - there's no "right" or "wrong" way to live life. Just try to live a "good" life. Be good to people and good will come to you.

I now understand the very quiet suffering that comes when a daddy is seperated from his beloved daughter... a suffering tempered with the pain that comes from knowing you tried to work it out and probably could have but just didn't for whatever reason. It doesn't get any easier, and it doesn't subside. It doesn't scar and it doesn't heal.

If you're a child from a "broken" home, let me tell you something on behalf of your dad right now:

We're sorry. We didn't want things to end up this way, but they did. Trust that hope comes in the morning and springs eternal... and that good will always come because the love that I, as your daddy has, is pure and is as endless as time iteself. We may not always be around to show you... but know that across the miles... you are loved.


Anyway, I was at CVS picking up some of my 'cosmetic pharmicuticals' that you pay a $40 co-pay on today and I got her a card. It's funny. When I was first seperated from Kyla, and old friend reminded me that I needed to write her notes, which I've been doing... but getting her a card today just made sense. As a daddy, you see, unless you're just an asshole, your daughter is in your thoughts constantly... and I just felt it right to get her a little something so that hopefully, it will get put with her "things" so that when she is able, she'll realize that even though her parents were pretty f***ed up, that at least we were able to agree on one thing: that our love her HER is boundless.

My heart is with Kyla this evening and my thoughts are further south - in a place I love. A place I hope to visit again soon. I know I promised not to get all down, but forgive me! I was out of Wellbutrin for a minute! LOL. Actually, I just had some emotion to share tonight. Seeing a picture of her walking reminded me of how we as her parents failed in one respect, but that through it all, SHE is winning in spite of us! And - it feels good to look at her and see myself... she does have so many of my features... maybe I am not so bad after all!

Oh - that reminds me. Kyla now has more hair than her daddy. I shaved mine today.

Yup. If you know cosmotology-speak, I've got #1 all the way around and #2 through the top. It's almost completely gone. And, I think it looks pretty good! Yes, I focus grouped it with some of the women I know from work and the club and the consensus has been (unless they're LYING) that it's a good, more distinguished look for me. Pics soon... because one of the things you haven't been able to see is me hitting the gym. See - when God closes a door, He opens a window for you to make personal improvements and spiritual renewals. For me, fixing my body and mind has been the greatest thing to come from this entire "post-dramatic-stress-syndrome" thing I've gone through!

And - to the person who has been there to help me through my many moods lately: thank you on so many levels. To Coddy: Duck You! I know you're reading this you vouyeristic s**t! And to the rest of you reading for whatever reason - hi. Thanks for caring enough of my life to spend a moment of yours reading here for whatever reason. I hope some way I've been able to impact you in some positive manner.

Alright - I am gonna go watch National Treasure on In Demand. It's Chill Out Saturday Night at the |tk household...

Viva Quervo...

-tobeighnap