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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Harper's by candlelight over a glass of cabernet... .

Not really. But it made you more anxious to read, didn't it? He he he...

Well, you're back. Thanks, I guess. You'd think that after the last 3 years of you hearing about - and in many ways, being a part of my life - that I'd be used to your regular visits to my rhetorical playpen on the web by now, but I am not. It still amazes me that you find my life so important that you venture by here to read my thoughts. Maybe I am just a momentary escape at the office. Maybe you're looking for something from me. I don't know. Whatever it is, I hope that while you're here, you find whatever it is you're looking for.

Someone start U2 "I still haven't found what I'm looking for..." LOL. ;) Kidding, of course.

Tonight, I dined at Harpers with an old... OLD friend. One that goes back to the VEEEEEEEEEEERY beginning of my adventure in radio. In fact - she was the rep who bought me my first beer and almost got me banned from one of the coolest hangs in a market I used to be in... Lancaster, Pa. I have to admit it was good to see her. It made me realize, by looking it in the eye, how very different we become as we travel the road of life. We were both at different places in our lives then. We are both at very different places in our lives now. So, for an hour tonight, I traveled with her back over two careers which span years, miles and memories. And some of the things I discovered along the way are pretty interesting.

The most clear of all the things I discovered? That passion guides and drives us. She is as passionate as the day I first met her. I think I am too... sure, we're a little more "rusted and weathered" but inside, that fire still burns in both of us. You can just tell. See, the reason I can see it clearly now is because when I met her - I was really not anyone of importance to her. I was just a dude. But, for us to follow each other for as long as we have - for her, from record label to record label, and for me from station to station - is pretty interesting. And while I was never in a position to work with her like I am now, it's pretty surreal that our paths have always been parallel. And, now, I can say that she is one who knew me when... and that I knew when... and while many things have changed... that passion has stayed the same.

Funny how moments can make us introspective. Funny how those moments can lead to clarity. Funny how life just has - and sometimes - makes - a way.

So, driving home, I'm listening to - aghast - Creed. I've been rough on Scott Stapp. But, the reason that band sold millions of cd's is because of the power of their lyrics. And, a lot of that is due to Mark Tremonti, but I guess I'll give Scott some credit for the writing... On the way home - in the rain, grey, dismal weather that so rarely comes to South Carolina, I listened to the words of Creed's "Don't stop dancin'".

And it made sense.

Click here and read. http://www.creed.com/music/lyrics/dont_stop_dancing.html

Go ahead. Click it. You know you want to. While it may seem like a "downer" kind of song - it's a song of hope... a song of inspiration...

... and a song that when you think about it, like life, makes sense.

This evening, here's to those moments when life just makes sense. Moments that rush back into your mind that make you realize a feeling you thought you'd forgotton. Moments that inspire passion and stoke the embers of feeling at a time when you felt the fire burn down...

... and to those times that you thought may never come again.

Cest la vie... or is it Carpe Diem?

How 'bout "Live with Passion..."

Yeah. I like that.

tk

Blog untitled...

... because I have nothing to call it today! LOL. C'mon. It's Tuesday after a holiday and you expect me to be creative? Sorry. I've spent the majority of my day on reports... funny thing about reports. You send them off only to have them become part of another report that becomes part of another report that ultimately goes into another report which gets read on the bathroom by an assistant who prepares a report for someone else who sends the report... you get the idea, right?

So... maybe my day's been like yours... digging out of 10000 emails... catching up... it's been slammed. Why are Tuesdays like this after a holiday? Go figure.

More soon... me love u long time...

tk

Monday, May 30, 2005

Memorial Day...

Hi, I just got back from a quick mini excursion for the last two days... and only one word sums it up: Overwhelming. Don't over think it. I'll tell more later.

I trust you had a great memorial day... and I hope you remembered why it is that we had this extra Monday off...

To our troops... thank you.

More soon. Thanks to some forgotton motivation, i am gonna hit the gym for an hour or so. Amazing what happens when you have someone or somethnig that motivates you to be better than you are...

-tobias.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Monday night things...

Warning: completely random post ahead.

Hi. Welcome back. I figure there has probably got to be some reason you've stopped by here today. Or tonight. Or at whatever time that it is which brings you by my little hole on the web. Today was a pretty busy Monday... one which brought me new lessons... and which allowed me to grow as a person... or leader... or whatever you would call it. Today, I realized that sometimes, when you lead people, you've gotta get with them, see where their head is at, and let them know you believe in them even when it comes to having to motivating them. Today, I realized that everything in life can serve as a teacher of a lesson if you choose to let it, and I also was reminded of the potential wrong that comes with making short sided decisions... it reinforces a strategy I recently was taught - short term pain for long term pleasure. I also discovered the inate power that comes when you are committed to a course of action.

Ah, Mondays. There's just something about Mondays.

Anyway, things are good today. Just very busy - on weeks like this, you try to work ahead so that you - and your team - can try to enjoy a holiday like Memorial Day. It's tough when your business operates 24/7, 365 and is always on... especially when you obsess over things at the office.

Speaking of Memorial Day... I find that my thoughts drift to my Grandfather. What a tremendous man. An Army Air Force photographer who served because he believed that the call of his country was greater than himself. And, he, like countless others in the greatest generation went forth and gave of themselves so that the world and the concept of freedom would survive. He then came home and lived the American dream he fought to save. Started a family. Started a business. Founded charities. Lived an American live, loved with boundless love and left an incredible legacy when he stepped beyond the bounds of this world into the next....

There are many who have answered the call to serve - to defend the freedoms I take for granted every day. While we're free to debate the causes of some actions we as a nation have taken in the global theater recently, they're on the line, following the orders they're given and defending the honor - and privilidge - that comes with being an American.

Memorial Day. A day to remember. And a day for me to say thanks. Thank you to those who live, work and serve at Fort Jackson here locally. To those who may swing by this blog from MacDill. Thank you. To those who have gone before... you liberators of a world.... thank you.

I've often said that I feel we don't say "thank you" enough.

Anyway. My random thoughts. Pretty random tonight. I guess sometimes, when you fell random, you should just let thoughts flow. Sometimes, you find real clarity.

My life is pretty uneventful these days. Sometimes, uneventful gives the wrong connotation... My life is filled with solituide these days.... no... that's not right either. My life is pretty quiet these days. That's sort of true. It is much more quiet around here these days. Not sure if that "quiet" is am used to... but it sure is peaceful. Less drama maybe? Yeah. More peace? Sort of.

OH - Bravo TV. Tuesday night reality check. You gotta watch. Pretty interesting. What about this Sports Kids and Parents show? Have you seen this? It's amazing. Parents are whacked sometimes when it comes to supporting their kids sports careers. Pretty insane.

... told you tonight was a random night. It's one of those nights. Quiet. Calm.

I almost forgot how much I love the West Wing. What a great show. I haven't seen it in weeks... America needs a Martin Sheen type President. Maybe not all of his politics, but someone with his charisma. This episode is pretty powerful.

Moments in time. Things which inspire us. Sometimes in moments of solitutude, you'll find inspiration. Motivation. Dedication. Mediate. Segregate. Alleviate.

INXS.

I told you this would be random ;)

Have you tired of reading yet? Just wondering.

Sometimes, the impossible is possible.

Does this make me look fat?

We're going to make this exciting again.

15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more.

Random. Told ya. Yet you still read on. Meanwhile, you need to ask yourself,

"Did a moment of my life just pass me by?"

















Well, did it?


;)


.... tk

Mondazed and confused....

Today's the start of one of those weeks when you realize that everyone has mentally checked out for the Memorial Day weekend holiday we have before us... I sense it. A certain "exhaustion" from the staff. People are tired. Drained. Exhausted. Ready for a break. For the first time in 3 years, I have no idea at all what I'm gonna do. At the old place, our Memorial Day plans were pretty much set for us. God - I remember the first time we did it. Live from Shepards through the weekend. Oh well... not the way it will be this year. I'm still not even sure what I am going to do! There's Lake Murray... there's North Carolina... maybe make a road trip back to Florida... who knows. So many options. So little time. Maybe I'll just stay at home and unwind...

So today, it's handle some work for NOK and for some other stations I do some stuff for... and then, I'll head to the gym and continue my self-improvement.

I know... not much to say today from me. I'm sure I'll post more later. It's pretty funny how many people really come by my blog here to see what I am thinking or what's on my mind. Thank you for coming by... I wish I had more to share, but I've been so busy this morning that I've not had any time to ponder anything!

OMG - I just found out my friend (and co-worker) Marian is having a baby with her husband, who I also kinda work with, Franklin! The due date is 12/12! :) Such a blessing... Congrats, Marian... and Franklin, atta boy!

Love u long time...

tk

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Sunday Randoms.........

Today was - in fact, this weekend was, the #1 reason I am thankful to be in the South.... 70 degrees, sunny all weekend... maybe some clouds but who cares... it was an amazing weekend. For just a split second, I found myself missing Shepards on Clearwater Beach! It was just gorgeous here today... I walked around the complex where I live in the Northeast of Columbia today, as I was using our fitness center here today... Let me just tell you... I have some HOT neighbors! It was like being back on HI in Tampa! I'll talk more on the air about this Monday most likely... But wow. What a weekend.

It made me miss the times when Kyla was still just several months old that we would take her to the pool in our building in Tampa. It's pretty tough, I've gotta tell ya, because there were 4 or 5 little babies with their moms and dads at our pool today... Kyla would have fit in so well. People in the South are generally nicer, so I actually talked to some of my neighbors and their small babies today. I can't help it. My paternal instincts are pretty confused, but today, when I held one of my neighbor's little ones, I could feel that longing inside me well up again. I try pretty hard to keep it to myself, but, nonetheless it comes back. The line from a song I hear is from Lightning Crashes by LiVE. "I can feel it coming back again... like the rolling thunder chasing the wind..."'

It was a good day - spent working for a few minutes - and then spent out with friends outside doing something I used to love doing as a kid... and I realized today that I was better as a kid at it than I am now. I won't go into what it is because I am frustratated at how BADLY I performed. I think I get a competitive streak from my grandmother. She's amazing. She refuses to lose. I truly hope Kyla grows up to be like her. It just sucks because now, by no fault of my own or of her own, she'll not really get to know her Great Grandmother on my side of the family. Add that as reason 1549585490 as to why it sucks to go through what I am going through.

But, as much as I vent, things are good. I "chase" the pain that I am going through with Kyla with the love for life that I've been built with - and with the knowledge that better days are just ahead. As someone from FLA reminded me in an email, "you know, tk, just be a great dad and make sure you're living a great life, and you might be suprized what choices Kyla makes on her own..."

I hope you're right.

This is going to sound insane... But I've been thinking about adoption. Not that I am going to do it, but I see how great Angelina Jolie is with her adopted son, Maddox. Today, I felt what Brad Pitt must feel... I just love kids. I always have for some reason. There's something just so cool about the blatant honestly of a child. An unspoiled innocence. My friend, Tommy, adopted a little baby with his partner and his son is amazing, too. Now, don't go thinking I am considering adoption... I am just really thinking about kids. Maybe it's because I have one that I can't be with right now, or maybe it's just because I want to do everything right this time based on what I've learned from everything I've done wrong. Who knows. But I know I was meant to be a father... and someday, I pray, I will have the chance to do so again. I want Kyla to have a little brother or sister... and hopefully Kyla will understand that even though they won't have the same mommy, that they're loved equally, that they are both family and share the same name... which to me, is more than enough.

Busy week ahead at work... I am going to take the rest of my Sunday evening to rest, recharge and to meditate on my life, what I need to do to make Constant And Neverending Improvements to it and on how I can be the best friend, partner, leader and teacher I can be.

Now, some mail...

Hey…..I am so happy to hear that you on going on VACATION soon, if it’s FL then you better let me know so I can meet you!

LOL GOSH, I just saw a new pic of Kyla and she looks just like you. She is a beautiful little girl. Hopefully some day you will be close by her so you can spend more time with her. I know by seeing her pic’s it must be rough on you, but the good thing is she is still small and really does not know on what’s going on. No matter what happens in the relationship, you seem like a funny, awesome guy. And it sounds to me like you have already meet someone special…..can’t wait until you “come out”LOL


My reply...

Hey! Thanks for writing. You want to know something? I don't go look at the site her mom has for her. I know my family does, and I know that others I know do, and trust me, I know that some of you go from my page to the other page just to see if there's any drama, or whatnot, but you are right. It does hurt to see pictures of things I once got to experience first hand.

I know you must think that I should "get past it" and look in from time to time to see pictures, but, for reasons I'll keep to myself, just know that I don't. Kyla's been shared with the world since the day she was born.. and as her daddy, I want some special moments to keep just to myself. I have some... not as many as I should, but I have some nonetheless. In fact, I, like a proud daddy, sent a bunch of my fellow radio friends her pics from her bday! Anyway, I just made a choice not to go to that page. There is too much pain there and fortunately, the scars, at least for me, have healed. Once in a while, Ky's "custodial parent" sends me a pic here and there of a milestone I've missed and I look on those with pride, just as any daddy would.

Now, to address my "coming out"...


Hope you enjoyed it! LOL! That's right. I'm not addressing that. That will for the first time in YEARS remain private. I am sure you'll see, or hear about it soon enough! Let's just say this: I am blessed. When God closes a door, He really does open a window. Life is funny that way.

Thanks for writing as you often do, and I hope you are well!


Send me emails. I'll keep your name/address private because God knows one time I posted email names and stuff here and people got harassing emails... so I'll keep your identity between us... tobyknapp@clearchannel.com is the addy to use... Thanks for passing by and reading my randomness on a Sunday. I trust you're all well and we'll talk soon.

:)

tk

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Thank god it's the weekend.

BLAH. I've just spent the last hour or so on the phone with my bank and with my credit card company... Nothing really out of the ordinary going on, I just wanted to be clear on something I saw when balancing my books and, isn't it funny that it takes SO DAMN LONG for them to clear up the MOST SIMPLE of things? UGH. Sometimes, Customer Service people are the FURTHEST thing from it. Fortunately, things are all worked out.

One of the toughest things about being a dad in the situation I am in is getting used to a new title: Non-Custodial parent. Hi, I am Toby Knapp, Non-Custodial parent of my daughter, Kyla! The title - like the entire "process" of being in a split-parent situation - is cold. It makes you feel like a second class parent when there was nothing you could do about it in the first place. Oh well.

Another one of the toughest things is how the communication between a "non-custodial parent" and the "custodial parent" breaks down. I used to never understand why kids from split parent homes have some issues. Now, I see it clearly. It actually makes me think of the Peter Gabriel song "Games with out frontiers" (i think that's what it's title is)... You'd think that you'd be able to remain somewhat friendly for the good of your child... sadly, it's not always the case.

Anyway... on to brighter things... like Music Midtown in Atlanta. I am still not 100 percent sure, but I think I may head down there to be a part of what is a pretty awesome music festival! Atlanta is not all that far away from here, and, you know abotu me and road trips! It's coming in a couple of weekends... so I have some time to make up my mind. Two years ago, a group of friends and I went down there as guests of a friend of mine who is in a band that was playing there. I was talking to one of them Friday... he was like, "I wish we could get the gang together and go down there"... I do too. God knows we could use the break! He's got his daughter that week (he's in a similar situation that I am in although now, he's remarried) so I understand. If I were lucky enough to have Kyla with me, I'd no doubt be in the same boat. BUT, I'd take her with me!

Funny... I am reminiscing about Music Midtown a couple of years ago... What a good time. It's funny how far we've all come since that trip 2 years ago. My friend met his wife to be on that trip, and I had to twist his arm to get him to go! Another friend is doing radio out west, another got a job out that way too. And me? I'm in the Carolinas now at a new station with new duties... It's funny how far somethings have come and gone... and how some things from that time have come full circle.


If I go, it will be a "coming out" appearance of sorts for me... and that's all I have to say about that... and no, I am not gay. LOL. ;) Speaking of trips... I am planning on skippin' the country soon! LOL - well, maybe not really, but it would be good to get out of here on a vacation soon... someplace warm, sunny and AWAY so that I can recharge. It's been a mentally, emotional and physically draining last several months. If you've followed along with the home game, you know what I mean. I think I've earned a break. And, it will be good to get away and spend some personal time reconnecting with some things...

Ok - so, I am off to the office to take care of some weekend work I do and then, I am off to the Gym, and then, to Ra later on tonight! I hope you're having a restful weekend and enjoying life. It's a pretty awesome thing, this life, isn't it? Embrace it! Remember that there is amazing power in remaining positive. I know that sometimes here it looks like I am venting... and sometimes, I am, but I always strive to look at the positive side of things. To me, life is worth living when you remember the number one rule: Have fun.

Maybe Tim McGraw was right. Live like you were dying. What powerful things happen when you live letting go!

-toby

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

More from the mailbag

This is fun! I was with one of my co-workers today and I say, "bro, given my track record of TRAGEDY when it comes to my past relationships, I wonder why people really think I can give good advice on how a relationship can be!"

Then, over the Mucho Lunch at El Chico, I realized something... I've screwed it all up, so I should be pretty good at telling people how things are! Trust me - I've BLOWN it... Which makes me kind of a master, right???

So - here's some more mail!


>>>>


Toby,
So I was surfing the web, bored at work and pulled up your blog site, and found my email. First thanks for posting it and thanks for no giving out my name and email address! .
The reason I asked you for some advice is because you are a man and a dad. See the guy I am talking about is a dad. And I was wanting someone who had kind of the same experiences that you have had. He was married for a short peirod and divorced. Now he has a wonderful daughter. So I thought that you would be the guy to ask my question to.
Anyways he did phone last night. And said that it is a whole "trust" issue. See his ex cheated on him while he was married. And that he is working on it. Working on it means he is working on what he calls not feeling so "strange". So I guess I am just giving him his space and letting him phone and make plans. We will see what happens then. What do you think about all of this is this a bunch of BS?
Well hope to hear from you soon! Hope your enjoying your day!


My response...


Hey there...

Ah, I get it now. I am sorry he was cheated on. You gotta understand a couple of things about dudes. 1) I cheated once and got caught. We tried to work it out, and even with a beautiful child, we couldn't make it work. See, I personally think we never really recovered from it. What should have been a "forgive and work to get over" became a "forgive and constantly remind" and that's why it didn't work.

Not sure about with him, but for me, that #1 situation leads to the #2 thing you need to realize about dudes... Deep down inside, they're insecure little boys - especially after they've been dumped. Even if they're cheating on you, when you, the chick, dump the dude, you become insecure, you retreat and you become very VERY insecure.

Now, to your thing - what I am saying is that I think he tried to make it work out and it didn't. So, now he's got lots of doubt and that's why he's got legitimate trust issues, but he's also got some inate insecurities too now.

That's what I am going through now. I dont think I am good enough to move on! Seriously... I think that I am gonna be too much trouble for the person I move on with... I think that the complications of me being a daddy will cause problems, too! I am in the gym all the time now b/c i think I need to (and, well, I do) need to drop MY baby weight from the last year, and you freak about that because with the baby's mama, I didn't have to worry about it as much! UGH! Lots of insecurities... he's gotta be feeling them BIG TIME! So here comes YOU... showing him attention, and he's so conditioned to FAILURE from the last one that he just can't move forward! He is afraid you'll bitch at him, yell at him, be just a complete C U Next Tuesday to him and that "echo" from the past eventually effects the future... YOUR future.

Trust me - he's going through the same things right now.... and they're not at all easy.

I'd say to give him a minute. Be supportive. Tell him that you understand and that you're willing to work with him. Realize he's gotta deal with his ex forever as she's the mom of his daughter and that it's not an easy thing to do... TRUST ME. Being a daddy from a distance sucks big time... and it's not at all easy. Not at all.

All of this being said, realize he's gotta work on himself as much as he's working on your relationship. You're not fighting for time or attention... you're just caught in a situation where he's fighting mental battles on two fronts. If it's meant to be - and if you BOTH really want it to work, it will. Trust me on that. If you BOTH want it bad enough, it will happen. But if ONE of you waivers, it will go down in flames. I think I speak from experience on that one.

If you both commit to working through it, to walking hand in hand through the trials that will come from this short term pain, you'll find long term happiness. As someone told me last night, "Follow your feelings, you must..."

Good luck to you. Hopefully I said something that helped.

Off to some star wars BS!

tk

Star Wars, 5 For Fighting, and stuff...

You're going to see it, right? Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith? It's gonna be dark. It's gonna be freaky. And everyone is talking about. Screw Britney and Kevin, Star Wars mania is at a fever pitch. Everyone's talking about the force, Luke and Leah, Yoda and stuff... You have to go. If you don't, you're denying yourself the very fabric of pop culture.

Believe the hype. It's Real.

I think Pancho and I are gonna go at midnight tonight just so we're out in the midst of the insanity that is Star Wars. I mean hey, who are we to miss a great pop culture event! There's these brand new cinemas by where I live in the Northeast of Cola, so it's not like it's a bad thing.

Star Wars. Drink Pepsi. Eat at Burger King. Blah. Marketing overload in progress!

One thing is for certain: George Lucas is worth MILLIONS!

So - I am diggin' this commercial for Chase Credit Cards with 100 years by 5 for Fighting in it. Awesome. Just moving. The song really makes me think of Kyla... Fortunately, the moments I've lost are nothing compared to the lifetime she and I will spend together... and I feel great about the future with her.

Speaking of the future... I've rediscovered something very powerful... a powerful "force" if you will that is just so... well... amazing.

Finally, for the first time in a long time, and despite the fact that I still grieve and long to have more of my daughter in my life, I've found a real sense of peace. I feel grounded. All things do work for the good... and after the storm for me, there's come a calm... and a peace...

... and it's pretty special.

More later...

tk

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

New DMB... and your thoughts on Radio...

Hi.

Have you heard DMB's new song "American Baby"? If you have, what do you think about it? Do you want to hear it on the radio? No? What are your thoughts...

In fact, while I am at it, what are your thoughts about radio in general? Drop me an email... I've been thinking about some things and I just wanted to see what your thoughts were about some different things...

Just one request - Spare me the "too many commercials" complaint... I know. I'm with you. But those commercials pay our bills and we've cut them down tremendously...

I'm interested in what you think about the people on air (DJ's or Announcers), the music, the song selections, etc. You don't have to tell me how old you are - or listen to WNOK for that matter... I am just curious about some opinions...

... and don't worry, I'll not post them unless you tell me it's okay to do so...

Go ahead. You've always wanted to yell at someone about what you hear on the radio... so now's your chance to go off on someone who can actually do something about it... at least on one station in SC! :)

I am looking forward to your thoughts...

... thanks in advance...

tk

Oh... some of you people....

I was gonna log on here and go off on some people who LOVE to read my blog, then send the link around like it's some giddy little piece of web-trash...

But, I'm not. It's actually flattering that my life - what it was, what it is now and what it may or may not be in the future - is so interesting to you that you take the time out of your life to send people emails that say "read this".

Because you've given me moments of your life - moments you can never get back - thank you. I am glad my life is so exciting to you. :)

Back to more of today's hottest music... faster!

-tk

Tuesday Mailbag...

It's Tuesday morning... and one of the things I love most is the emails I get from you from time to time. I don't at all know why you'd ask ME... the heavyweight champion of failed relationships... for advice LOL but, you do anyway!

As you know, when you email, I promise to change names and hide email addresses... I know that some people are a pain in the a$$ and like to email people back who post on my blog for whatever reason, and I want to spare you from any unnecessary drama...

Oh, and I'll edit some of them too. No mean jabs on my blog! :)

With that being said... off to the mail:

-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 9:42 PM
To: KNAPP, TOBY
Subject: Hey Toby


Hey! I just wanted to write and say that Kyla is absolutely adorable! I am keeping you in my thoughts in prayers. I can't imagine being a parent and not having your daughter near you. As being a child from a blended family I don't know what I'd do if my parents weren't near me. I know for certain reasons it has to be this why, but it will get better. I acutually got to meet Kyla and Dana a few days before you moved to SC. I hope you will get to see her soon and eventually you will be able to spend one on one time with her. Just wanted to say how cute Kyla was and that I hope things get better for you.

Faithful listener from Fl,

(name deleted)

My response...

Hey there…

Thanks for the email. It is tough – and it’s not the way I wanted it at all… I tried to work it out with Kyla’s mom, but all things happen for a reason – and there’s a reason it did not work out. Kyla’s mom is a good mom, but for some reason, we were just no longer good together and she felt she couldn’t move forward with me in her life. It happens. It’s life. And all change is good change.

Thanks for your email… I hope you’re well…
...tk


-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 11:09 AM
To: KNAPP, TOBY
Subject: Hi from Florida!!!


Toby,

Just wanted to say that I really miss listening to you on 93.3 in the Tampa Bay Area. But luckly I have found your new site, and must say that I enjoy reading your thoughts and stuff. I am so sorry about how things have turned out for you and your daughter. She is such a cutie! Well hang in there! And one question: What does it mean when a guy needs space and says he isn't sure about starting a relationship? Does it mean its over? And when he says things are cool and he will phone but doesn't, do I phone him? Anyways, Take Care! Hang in there!

(name deleted)

My response...

Hey XXXX –


Thanks for your email. I tried to work it out with Kyla’s mom, but for some reason, we just couldn’t make things work. I do know I tried, and in the end, that’s all you can do. It takes 2 to tango… and for one of us, there was no more dancing to do… I know I was willing to keep dancing until I was told the dance was done… then I too left the dance floor… And, life has moved on apparantly for both of us and at least, for me, for the better :)

>tk addendum - please also know that I miss Kyla immensly. Her not being with me - and me not getting to see her most important milestones breaks my heart. I didn't choose for it to be this way, it is this way beacause her mom and I just couldn't fix our broken relationship so this course just sort of chose itself because of stubborness and really, the old saying 'too little too late...' applies here.

And, so I stand back as a daddy from a distance watching with love and pride as she grows. It's an unfortunate casualty of a broken relationship and I hope it doesn't effect her as she grows. She will always know I love her... I am sure of that<


Well… to your question… not that I am by any means the best at love advice… but if he says he needs space, you need to ask yourself a couple of questions…

1) Are you hooking up with him even though he needs his space? If no, give the space and let him figure out what he wants to do. If yes, F***k that! He wants space because he’s got someone else in the equation. Take it from someone who cheated and never really recovered from it (can you tell – estranged baby’s mama give you a hint) – the “space” thing is an excuse to have you around for his needs while he’s out sampling the rest of the buffet. Are you an appetizer or the main course? Make him choose.


2) Ah, the phone. “I’ll call you later…” Yeah, I can hear that line. I’ve used it. If he’s not calling when he says he was going to – it is an indicator of how important you really are to him. Think about it – if he’s not calling, it’s because he’s probably out with someone else. Trust me. “things are cool… I’ll call u later… “ sounds like a line I used to use especially when keeping the “other women” at bay. Take a look at his life – what’s he really doing? Sounds like he’s up to something shady… If you are truely important to him, he'll call when he says he's gonna call... otherwise, he doesn't really value you all that much.

Write any time, X, and I hope you are well!

tk


Alrighty then! My TK advice column has come to a close for today. Please feel free to write and ask more questions if you want!

And - now it's off to a healthy lunch at Bird on a Wire... One of the best restaurants in Columbia! A friend of mine was just in Tampa for a wedding she was in and she sent me a text message to tell me she was eating at one of my ALL TIME favorite restaurants: Estellas.

Ah, Estellas... I owe Carson a ton for turning me onto this place - we'd eat there before he'd go do the Ampitheater gig... and it became a favorite of mine, my old boss, Kane when he got back... Munchie... in fact, everyone I knew really liked it except for one person LOL. At least there was an italian joint across the street on Davis Island for her to eat at.

Maybe I'll go to El Chico today instead... OOOH I shouldn't... diet. Gotta be in shape... got some traveling to do soon and need to make sure I am in the best shape I can be in... ;)

Mas tarde...

...tobias

Monday, May 16, 2005

Holy CLEAN house...

Can I just tell you what a difference a CLEAN house makes?

WOW.

I just came in and I felt like I was walking into a new place... It was surreal looking... Like a scene from a movie... Clean living room... Clean kitchen... Clean bathroom... Clean laundry room...

4 outta 5 ain't bad, right?

Bedroom gets done tonight. I know I sound all Martha-Stewartty, but, I can't lie- this casa be clean! And it feels good!

I guess I should have listened to Mom, and others... Oh well!

Off to some Monday night stuff... I wish I had more ramblings for you... But I don't right now! I could tell you all the ways I've ever blown it in my relationships... I've been thinking about all the wrongs I've ever committed and how this next time, I am committed to doing them all right... I could tell you about the ones I should have stayed with... The reasons for break ups, etc...

... But I'll let you imagine for now. He. He. He.

OH - before I go...

John Legend/Number One

tk iPod most played for today... Listen to it!

(I say this knowing that some of you will go look for lyrics to see if I am sending a message to anyone LOL. That makes me laugh...)

Ok bye.

tk

Monday business....

I love Mondays. You climb back into work, realize you have to pay your bills and deal with a slew of what I call the "Monday stuff" for the company... reports on our music, reports on the station, reports about the reports... okay, maybe it's not that bad, but Mondays always seem to bring a unique set of challenges, but it's most fun to overcome them... something I couldn't do without the exceptional team of people I have been blessed to work with here.

I am just really pleased with how things are going here. We're not perfect. But in virtually every area, this team of people at this station are committed to getting better day by day. It's like they've adopted the principles of C.A.N.I - Constant and Never Ending Improvement - that I spoke to them about and have applied them. I was just telling one of my guys that even on the weekends you can hear a BETTER WNOK. It's amazing what really can happen when you coach a little, bump here, nudge there, and set people off on their own to improve.

Wanna know something funny? It's funny... but I've been feeling some strong emotions lately about so many things. It's amazing. I am truely blessed in this life. I've got a great daughter. Sure, things aren't exactly perfect, but isn't it amazing? She's perfect. I've got a great job with great people. I live a pretty blessed life... and the best thing is that - and I really believe this - the best is just ahead for me professionally and personally.


Life. It throws you curve balls. You learn to hit them.

More later...

tk

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Spring cleaning!

Woke up early today and jumped into some serious spring cleaning I've had to do! UGH... tell me about it. But, I've decided that if I am going to host and/or entertain anyone over here - from out of town guests to family, I've gotta make sure the place looks impeccable...

Bathroom - Spotless. Kitchen - Spotless. Bedroom - well... two out of three ain't bad, right? LOL.

I've just been on a tear today for some reason - maybe I was inspired by the Buddy Christ who kicks it over here by the computer desk... He seemed to be pointing at me with his thumb up, and i can hear him saying... "hey... you... clean your poop... go and sin no mo'." BTW - the Buddy Christ is from the Kevin Smith film "Dogma"... you should watch it if you're not catholic. LOL...

Ok - back to cleaning and then i've gotta make a cameo at the office. Hope you are having a great Sunday... more soon!

tk

Missed milestones...

12:36 on Sunday morning... I just returned from my weekly appearance at Club Ra in Columbia's historic Vista station. In case you're among the former Florida faithful who frequent my blog, the Vista is like Ybor - only smaller. And Ra is like Ampitheater - only smaller. And instead of Techno, people line up and do this dance to the "hustle" and the "electric slide" and the "donkey butt" song. I mean - people my age. Yes. It's the damndest thing I've ever seen.

But it feels good to be home to relax, unwind and rest. I've gotten used to the silence of this apartment which was once filled with noises and life and I've learned that there is something very special that comes with the calm when you "enjoy the silence".

Kyla's walking now. Milestone 14023492103944 I've missed since she's been gone. Her mom was kind enough to send a picture. No doubt you've seen it.... Shit, you've seen everything about Kyla since she was born. Kinda funny, hua? You know exactly as much as I do about her development since we both get to watch it unfold together on the web. Now, don't go saying "Bitter - table for one" just yet. I am by no means angry... I am just saddened because I always wanted to make sure I did things the "right" way, but as I've learned - there's no "right" or "wrong" way to live life. Just try to live a "good" life. Be good to people and good will come to you.

I now understand the very quiet suffering that comes when a daddy is seperated from his beloved daughter... a suffering tempered with the pain that comes from knowing you tried to work it out and probably could have but just didn't for whatever reason. It doesn't get any easier, and it doesn't subside. It doesn't scar and it doesn't heal.

If you're a child from a "broken" home, let me tell you something on behalf of your dad right now:

We're sorry. We didn't want things to end up this way, but they did. Trust that hope comes in the morning and springs eternal... and that good will always come because the love that I, as your daddy has, is pure and is as endless as time iteself. We may not always be around to show you... but know that across the miles... you are loved.


Anyway, I was at CVS picking up some of my 'cosmetic pharmicuticals' that you pay a $40 co-pay on today and I got her a card. It's funny. When I was first seperated from Kyla, and old friend reminded me that I needed to write her notes, which I've been doing... but getting her a card today just made sense. As a daddy, you see, unless you're just an asshole, your daughter is in your thoughts constantly... and I just felt it right to get her a little something so that hopefully, it will get put with her "things" so that when she is able, she'll realize that even though her parents were pretty f***ed up, that at least we were able to agree on one thing: that our love her HER is boundless.

My heart is with Kyla this evening and my thoughts are further south - in a place I love. A place I hope to visit again soon. I know I promised not to get all down, but forgive me! I was out of Wellbutrin for a minute! LOL. Actually, I just had some emotion to share tonight. Seeing a picture of her walking reminded me of how we as her parents failed in one respect, but that through it all, SHE is winning in spite of us! And - it feels good to look at her and see myself... she does have so many of my features... maybe I am not so bad after all!

Oh - that reminds me. Kyla now has more hair than her daddy. I shaved mine today.

Yup. If you know cosmotology-speak, I've got #1 all the way around and #2 through the top. It's almost completely gone. And, I think it looks pretty good! Yes, I focus grouped it with some of the women I know from work and the club and the consensus has been (unless they're LYING) that it's a good, more distinguished look for me. Pics soon... because one of the things you haven't been able to see is me hitting the gym. See - when God closes a door, He opens a window for you to make personal improvements and spiritual renewals. For me, fixing my body and mind has been the greatest thing to come from this entire "post-dramatic-stress-syndrome" thing I've gone through!

And - to the person who has been there to help me through my many moods lately: thank you on so many levels. To Coddy: Duck You! I know you're reading this you vouyeristic s**t! And to the rest of you reading for whatever reason - hi. Thanks for caring enough of my life to spend a moment of yours reading here for whatever reason. I hope some way I've been able to impact you in some positive manner.

Alright - I am gonna go watch National Treasure on In Demand. It's Chill Out Saturday Night at the |tk household...

Viva Quervo...

-tobeighnap

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Life unscripted.

I dont know why I am calling this post "life: unscripted". I think I saw it on TV someplace once and it just kinda made sense. One thing I've learned about life is that when you live with passion - and you think of success often as you do - things just kinda find a way to happen. It's the unscripted things in life that really do make the most sense when you look at them as part of the big picture of things!

So - last week, we hung w/ Brad from the Real World: San Diego. It's funny - I used to know Robin from the Real World when I was at my last station... we shared some funny stories. Not that I knew her well, but I knew she was not one to miss a good party! I mean, come on, she worked at Coyote Ugly in Ybor - did you not think that she'd have some party stories? Well... keeping the reality theme alive - I get to *gasp* judge a bikini contest tonight at Hooters here in Columbia! LOL! Hooters - a family restaurant in Florida, but for some reason, people think it as this place that exploits the magical mams of life for male pleasure and financial gain. Like a dressed up strip club or something! Forget that they're one of the best places to eat, hang, or whatever! Anyway, tonight, I get to do this judging with Jillian and Heidi from Road Rules Extreme... Should be pretty awesome. I love how all these reality show tours come through COLA because of USC... it's one of the many things about this town that does give it some distinction.

The weekend is here starting tomorrow... I am planning on doing some housekeeping stuff and some ebaying... I've needed to do some cleaning for a few minutes now and this weekend will be perfect for it! I am actually looking forward to a somewhat restful weekend of working on my stations, doing some furniture shopping at Home Furniture - who we've teamed with on House Arrest (www.wnok.com for more on that)... hitting the gym and relaxing...

... it'd be perfect if Kylaboo was with me... but I'll see her soon.

Thanks for the emails. Keep 'em coming. Special thanks to SB from FL who always writes to let me know that I am in her thoughts... that's really cool... and thank u!

Ok... time to go to Hooters and do the job... it's tough, i know...

;)

tk

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Oh what a bootyful morning...

Hi. Thanks for stopping by. It's funny... you put yourself out there - even if just a little bit, and people respond. Blogging... what a unique thought! Whodathunk that an anonymous (in most cases) form of communication would bring about the responses that I've been getting. Today, I'm gonna address some of the comments I've had.

Now, I've disabled comments here because honestly, there are some assholes in this world who hide behind their anonyminity. They post stuff about my former relationship or whatever and act very ballsy but they're so ballsy they don't post their name. Screw that. If you can't tell me who you are in an email, then I'm not going to post your crap on my blog. Call me whatever, but at least I am not scared to live my life - good and bad - in front of you. Ever try it? Maybe it's why you have insecurities... you hide. It's a minority of people who always ruin everything for everyone else, so to you who've emailed me, thank you! I look forward to meeting the many new Columbia friends and to seeing you who are old Tampa friends again very soon...

First general question/comment I get is about Kyla. Yes, she's amazing. Thank you for all your very kind words about my daughter as well as your well-wishes as I embark on a very hard journey - being a daddy from a distance. It's not easy knowing that I - by no choice of my own, just the result of a situatiuon that couldn't be fixed - have to miss her taking her first steps. I've said it before - there's a very deep pain that comes from knowing that I've got month after month to make up with her because her mom and I just couldn't work things out, but, I trust that things will happen for the best and that she'll grow knowing her daddy loves her very much and adores her more than life itself. She is the woman in my life and I love her totally. I can't wait until I can take her on trips to Disney... on cruises, on vacations and more. She'll know that her Daddy loves life and I hope she will grow to know this love I have for life and that she will have it as well. Thank you all very much for your very kind words about her. I am a proud daddy and under the circumstances, your love for her through your words helps a wounded heart to heal just a little more every day.

I do wish she were here - not a day goes by that I dont go into her beautiful, empty nursery and allow my mind to wander back to places it's been over the last 14 months...

Hopefully, sometime soon, God will give me the chance to experience it again...

Second question - do I like SC. Yes. It's a great state with great people. WNOK is a great station and I am very glad and blessed to be here. We're having a ton of fun!

Third question - have I "moved on". I'd like you to respect me for now keeping this area of my life private. I've shared so much in the past... now, i'd ask that you let me have the time to continue to heal. It's not easy, trust me, to be a single dad whose daughter is not with him when you meet new people... but I do know that the people I may move on with will love Kyla as much as I do and this makes me more and more happy about the future.

Finally... here's some new music you need to check out:

Tyler Hilton/That's how love should be
Weezer/Beverly Hills
Green Day/Holiday
Exies/Ugly

Gotta run back to the show! More later...

Monday, May 09, 2005

Muthashuckin' Road Trips on Mutha's Day...

One of the things I've picked up in this life from my dad is my love for road trips. The kind you just go off on when you have nothing else to do. Growing up, I can remember MANY a driving vacation with the family... and those were the times which just really stick with me. If you know me -- or knew me -- well, you know that I love hitting the road for no reason whatsoever! Friends in West Palm? Let's go! Miami? Fine. Charlotte for dinner with my friend Joe from NY when he was in? Yup. Why not? In the last 2 1/2 years, I kinda quit going on crazy road trips because, well, let's just say I forgot that I could do some things I liked to do.

Now, it's on again!

It's just over 4 hours from here to Jacksonville... and I left after my club gig on Sunday am at around 3:30 and arrived around 7:30 in Florida for a show I was going to! Let me tell you - the drive can be long sometimes, but there's no better way to clear your head than to hit the road and think!

So, why a 4-hour road trip from here through the SC lowlands, through GA to JAX on Mother's Day? Beacuse - trust me - after the last few months, the last thing I wanted to was sit in Columbia and dwell on the day. So, instead I took off to a place I love to do a job I love doing. What a rush. I forgot how much fun it is to be on stage in front of thousands introducing a national rock act. I forgot how much fun it is to walk into a studio in a city and go on the air and have fun... and when I say city - i mean one the size of Jax. It made me realize how much I miss some things - and some people.

My radio "son" Jordan was there. We worked together in Tampa... it was good to see him, and to reminisce about great times, good times, some not-so-good times and even better times after that! I was the luckiest Assistant PD in radio there - with a team that made the job fun every day... and to see Him, Alecia, and others go on to their own new careers because of what we started there is amazing.

It's even more amazing to know that - as I reminded him - he's making money to HAVE FUN by being on the radio! LOL

So - I left to go down at 3:30am on Sunday AM after a gig... and I got back last night at 3am! 24 hours exactly! What a great trip. Great time with some great people reminscing about some great times and while building new friendships - like with Jordan's boss, Skip. If you're ever in JAX, listen to 97-9 in the afternoon... he's on then. Good dude. Just gets it... no pun intended ;)

SO - speaking of road trips. There's one trip I've not made yet. One I know now that I want and need to make... but there's something I need to do first... and I am doing it. And, when I make this one road trip...

... we'll, let's just say it will be interesting. I almost should have made it this weekend... but I still have some work to do before I do.

Don't try to read too much into it. While I'll give you subtle hints, this time, I'll keep the personal to myself. Not knocking you read this, but you got enough drama from TK with the last relationship. This next one - if indeed that is what it becomes - will be much more private, much more personal, and much more between me, the other person, and when the details worked out, my daughter...

God, that alone brings me so many new, strange, wonderful and scary concerns.

Ok, gotta work. More iPODS and more of JR's money to give away...

Check back, because I could revise this post w/ more road trip stories soon...

tk

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Good morning...

So, last evening at 10, I get the call that makes you go "damn..."

"Toby, Jonathon's sick..."

So I am blogging from the studio where I am getting ready for this morning's show where I will keep the chair warm for Jonathon Rush once again. Yeah. I know. It's early... and, I've been having some trouble sleeping lately so I'll suck it up and kick it out of the park!

Last evening, I posted a quote that I found to be very true. And, it is for me. Why? Because let's just say that I've accepted - again - what is a very real truth for me. That it takes courage to know you made a mistake, but it takes an equal amount of courage to be a good parent. That's where I find myself right now in life. Mustering up the courage to be a great daddy to my little one even though life has not been as "perfect" for her as I would have liked for it to be. I won't get into much more here, as there is another place for that, but for so many of you who have emailed me asking what was going on, I'll tell you that things are as good as they can be, and Kyla is doing fine, and life is doing what life does...

... moving on.

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is accept that life will be hard for a little while. Sometimes, losing one you love is like a storm... but storms are passing.

Short term pain for long term pleasure and hope. Realize that nothing in life lasts forever, and that the future is only what you make it to be.

A return of the introspective TK blog? Na, just me addressing some of the emails I've got lately.

Off to the studio... I've gotta chair to keep warm!

-tk

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Tuesday's musings...

Today, I read a quote from an interview Maria Shriver did for "Distinction" magazine. It's a SoCal mag that not everyone reads, but they do get interviews and have access to the A list in California, so I read it from time to time.

"It takes courage to fail and pick yourself up again. It takes courage to jump into a marriage. It takes courage to rear children."


And, Maria, sometimes it takes courage to accept that sometimes, short term pain will lead to long term happiness.

More later...

tk