Wednesday, March 30, 2005

One year ago today, I became a daddy...

I am sorry it's been a while since I wrote last. So many things going on... from work to the personal life... so many things... so many changes... so many things...

I am blogging today to say that one year ago, my life changed forever. One year ago, my wonderful daughter Kyla was born. She's precious. Beautiful. So full of charisma... if you ever met her, you'd be like wow...

God spent a little more time on Kyla. Then he broke the mold.

I've been thinking since last night (she was born at 1:23 am) and most of today about my little one. I've looked at the pics I have in my office... the one of her at Disneyworld with her smile that stops time... and the one when she was just days old, sleeping peacefully. I look at the pictures and I see so much of myself in her. I am grateful that our higher power has allowed me to see so much of myself in her. Looking at her, I see the very best that I am...

... sadly, I look at her from a distance in my mind's eye.

In my mind's eye
I see Your face
You smile as you show me grace

She is the very best of me. She's also the very best of her mom. She is, in many ways, the fulfilment of all that was good at a different time in life.

If you're a dad, and you have a little girl, you know what I am feeling.

I will see her for the first time in months this weekend. I'm thrilled - and scared. Will she remember me? Will she love me still - unconditionally - as innocent children do? Will she sense the sadness I'll mask when i look into her eyes?

Someone once suggested I write Kyla notes... ones that I'll give to her when the time is right. In many ways, this writing has become therapy for me, because honestly, there is a great pain that comes with seperation... and unless you're a daddy, you can't understand it. They are notes and letters that I've jotted down from time to time which are the things any daddy would want his little girl to know. If you're a little girl - a daddy's girl - you know what thoughts they hold. And, you'll understand why I will never share them with anyone but her when the time is right.

I look back over the last year at the good... and the bad... and at the changes. I look at her and wonder how some things went so wrong, and I look at her and thank the Almighty that I did something right. And, I am thankful that there is tremendous hope for the future... the hope that comes from the heart of an innocent child whom I love...

... from a distance.

Work's good. Many great things going on. I've gotta get back to my work, but I wanted to pause to tell my little one Happy Birthday, from your Daddy who loves you, misses you, and can't wait to hold you in my arms again. You are the greatest gift I've ever been given... and I thank God every time I think of you...


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