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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

One year ago today, I became a daddy...

I am sorry it's been a while since I wrote last. So many things going on... from work to the personal life... so many things... so many changes... so many things...

I am blogging today to say that one year ago, my life changed forever. One year ago, my wonderful daughter Kyla was born. She's precious. Beautiful. So full of charisma... if you ever met her, you'd be like wow...

God spent a little more time on Kyla. Then he broke the mold.

I've been thinking since last night (she was born at 1:23 am) and most of today about my little one. I've looked at the pics I have in my office... the one of her at Disneyworld with her smile that stops time... and the one when she was just days old, sleeping peacefully. I look at the pictures and I see so much of myself in her. I am grateful that our higher power has allowed me to see so much of myself in her. Looking at her, I see the very best that I am...

... sadly, I look at her from a distance in my mind's eye.

In my mind's eye
I see Your face
You smile as you show me grace

She is the very best of me. She's also the very best of her mom. She is, in many ways, the fulfilment of all that was good at a different time in life.

If you're a dad, and you have a little girl, you know what I am feeling.

I will see her for the first time in months this weekend. I'm thrilled - and scared. Will she remember me? Will she love me still - unconditionally - as innocent children do? Will she sense the sadness I'll mask when i look into her eyes?

Someone once suggested I write Kyla notes... ones that I'll give to her when the time is right. In many ways, this writing has become therapy for me, because honestly, there is a great pain that comes with seperation... and unless you're a daddy, you can't understand it. They are notes and letters that I've jotted down from time to time which are the things any daddy would want his little girl to know. If you're a little girl - a daddy's girl - you know what thoughts they hold. And, you'll understand why I will never share them with anyone but her when the time is right.

I look back over the last year at the good... and the bad... and at the changes. I look at her and wonder how some things went so wrong, and I look at her and thank the Almighty that I did something right. And, I am thankful that there is tremendous hope for the future... the hope that comes from the heart of an innocent child whom I love...

... from a distance.

Work's good. Many great things going on. I've gotta get back to my work, but I wanted to pause to tell my little one Happy Birthday, from your Daddy who loves you, misses you, and can't wait to hold you in my arms again. You are the greatest gift I've ever been given... and I thank God every time I think of you...

-tk

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Good day ahead...

Today's going to be a good day. I can feel it. I've got some old friends coming into town today - one for lunch and one for dinner - and it will be good to see them both.

Got a lot to do today... some people are in town listening to the station to give us a "critique". I hate those sessions, but they're necessary, I suppose. I know the people coming in, so hopefully, we'll be ok and they won't be too hard on 'NOK!

I'll try to write more later... I need to book some airfare for a quick trip I have been given OK to take by the company (long story for a later post)... I am looking forward to it, because I'll get to see Kyla, but I am apprehensive because I know things are not well with other aspects of that story - even though I've tried to make them better. All things do work for the good... and I know good will come from what is going on now.

Most days, ok, everyday, I realize that it really sucks without my daughter here. But, I know that good will come from the way things are now... It has to.

Alright, more later...

... tk

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Sunday... Wow the weather is great!

Now, today is an example of a day that defines why I live in the South.

73 degrees on my ride into work today. Yeah, I know work on Sunday can suck, but come on, it's what we do, right? But it was 73 degrees, without a cloud in the sky (ok, maybe some, but who cares). It is and was beautiful. Days like this, I miss my hour long drive from Tampa to Clearwater Beach, but I can deal. We're all put into the place we're currently in during life to prove some things, and to grow as people.

It's beautiful outside today... and I've spent some time driving today, and that being so, I've got some stuff on my mind...

I know it's been a bit since I've blogged... seems to always be the case, right? Well, as you know, I did mornings last week for Jonathon... and I am soooooo glad he's back. 4am is not my bag anymore. Not that I minded getting up early for some morning batting practice, and I certainly didn't mind driving home at 5pm in Columbia Rush Hour traffic, BUT, the morning show is where he belongs, and afternoons is where I belong. I will say that doing mornings again gave me a few ideas for the show which you'll be hearing as the days and weeks go by... so get ready! Jonathon - thank GOD you are back.

That being the case, I kinda lost the time to sit and write a bit here last week, and I apologize.

Lately, I've been feeling fine. I've been working on my life - and the things I know that I can change. I've been frusterated at some things, no doubt, but I am happy to know that I've been changing for the better in many personal areas. There were and are a ton of things which I've had to work on overcoming lately - from the physical to the emotional - but like I said before, when you commit to CANI - that constant improvement I spoke of, your little victories add up and up!

I was talking to someone I work with the other day about changes and such. She seemed to be kind of down, because she's been going through a rough patch in this life (aren't we all?). She didn't get into many details, but she thanked me for "being inspiring". To that person - thank you. I am not an inspiring person, but I do get passionate about some things. And, I meant what I said when I told you some very valuable advice... some advice I myself have had to be reminded of even today:

You can only change what you can change. You can't change other people. And as you begin to make changes, you'll no doubt encounter people who say that you're not changing. Pay them no mind. They don't know what is in your heart... what is in your mind... and more importantly, YOU can't worry about changing THEM when it's YOU that is in need of change! Let their naysaying become a motivation to you as you move forward.


Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. LASTING changes in life happen when you constantly improve with subtle movement every day. Sure someone may not "see" and you may not be able to articulate "how" you've changed, but trust me, when you commit to changes, YOU alone know. In time, changes to attitudes, lifestyles, relationships, they'll all become clear as you move forward. And if the people who served as a catalyst for change don't want to see it, it could be because they themselves need to make a few changes of their own.

So, go ahead and vaccum the living room tonight. Do that one extra load of laundry. Get up 10 minutes, 20 minutes or 30 mintues earlier to meditate, read or study some empowering literature. Hit the gym tonight after work. Do ONE MORE REP when it comes to cardio. Tell someone you believe in them. Do something for a co-worker that goes beyond the "professional". Call your Dad or Mom. Call your grandparents. Tell your family you love them. Call the doctor and get that checked out. Ask someone about their family. Run. Pay that bill on time for a change. Try something new. Cook for yourself. Save 10 dollars this week. Tell someone you love them, even if they don't want to hear it or believe you. Hug your child, and if you can't, imagine yourself doing it... I bet they can sense it. Did I mention to tell someone you love that you love them?

See? Little things. They add up don't they? Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute, life gives you every opportunity to excersize CONSTANT and NEVER ENDING IMPROVEMENT. They're more than just words. They're a lifestyle. You see them, don't you? You KNOW they're changes for you. Change is action, not words. You're not supposed to articulate it... you're supposed to LIVE it!

Oh, and a word on if you "mess up" or "blow it". Something I've been guilty of - especially in some areas - is allowing myself to get a bit frustrated. We've all been there, right? You know... the situations where you're in a conversation that takes a turn for the negative or worst and you blurt out some comment desingned to hurt.

Mistakes happen, even when you're working toward positivity. Apologize, Internalize, and move on. Even the greatest people in life made mistakes, screwed up royally, and seemed undeserving. It's those people who have LEARNED from their mistakes that truely achieve greatness. How many times did Trump declare bankruptcy? Look at President Bush! His mistakes - from drugs to drinking to failed past businesses arae well known, and yet he's the most powerful man in the free world! Clinton's indescretions are well known, too!

Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day, and at times, the construction was shoddy at best. All parts of the moasaic that is life. If you screw up, weave on and believe in yourself. You CAN overcome and make amazing changes, and live a more fulfilling life.

Need a real life example? Look at the story of the woman who stopped the Atlanta shooter last week. Her husband was stabbed in gang related stuff. She had a DUI, and many personal issues and problems. She was still able to - when her time came - rise to the occasion and become a hero - one who saved countless additional lives with her cool head and her ability to make this man see some sensibility.

We are all one moment away from being called to greatness. Make certain YOU are ready. I know I am.

So, there are some songs in my ipod now...

Dishwalla/Collide (just got added today... www.dishwalla.com)- Yes, by the Counting Blue Cars group. This song is amazing. You need to go check it out. It will put them back on the map, no doubt.

Audioslave/Be Yourself - Just a great song. I love Chris Cornell (formerly of Soundgarden). Amazing.

Sum 41/Pieces -- Again, just another great song.

Jimmy Eat World/Pain -- EMO-Music lovers, unite! It's a HIT.

John Legend/Ordinary People - Yiiiikes. Good!

Kelly Clarkson/Behind These Hazel Eyes - She's on fire.

Backstreet Boys/Incomplete - Just a smash. Feeling. Anyone in a relationship gone wrong can relate.

tobyMac/Gone - Just listen to it. I think he's singing about me.

Tim McGraw/Live Like You Were Dying - Just describes the catalyst to my personal awakenings lately.

Ha! I just remembered I forgot to post some of your thoughts and comments about my last iPod playlist! Maybe I should make a tk|podcast for you and post it here so you can download it... maybe this week!

Send some good thoughts my way! Keep the karma coming, because I know I need it! Want to email me? Reach out at tobyknapp@clearchannel.com... and if you've ever been to a place where you were invited to be, but where you are not really "wanted" at, and you have any thoughts, please feel free to share! I know someone who is going through a tough time and could use your help and experiences!

Live! There's no one stopping you!


... i am out to enjoy a sunset from this dam near where I live. Lake Murray Dam. I hear it's awesome...

More soon...

tk

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I have HAD it....

... for the last three weeks, I have been waking up with a sore throat, no voice and massive congestion. So today, I did something about it. I went to the Doctor about it. It was a good visit. I will say this: This congestion is DONE and I have NO time and NO patience for it's continued presence in my world. So far, I've spent almost a DAY or two in BED if you combine all the hours i've slept for the last few days.

My Doc is great. He gave me this stuff to dry me up internally in my sinuses AND one to help kill off any bacterial infection I may have in my sinuses. If you have the same kind of ICK that I've got, go see your doc. You'll be glad you did.

Even Erin Taylor from the show is SICK, too. She's off to the doc tomorrow.

4:00 comes early. My sleep schedule is totally messed up. I was asleep last night at 8 and woke up around 11... then, couldn't sleep. So, I wandered around in my mind until I finally passed out around 1. So, if you do the math, 4am comes pretty fast!

The morning show is fun... i'll tell you about some of the callers sometime.... it's damn interesting.........

;)

tk

Monday, March 14, 2005

OMG... new DAVE coming!

DMB with a new CD! "Stand Up" is coming in May! I can't wait... I LOVE me some DMB!

So, there were a lot of things we went over on the Morning Show... Check out HERE to see what we went over today... like, in SC, they want dealers to buy a "stamp" if they sell POT! Can you believe this crap? I can't make it up... go see for yourself now!

More later... Gotta go home and sleep... I've been here 12 hours... That's long enough, I'd say...

By the way... If he's reading, Jonathon Rush... thanks for trusting me to drive your morning show while you've been out. With all your longevity in the market, and your popularity which is more than the president's... it's an honor!

...tk

Phew... it's almost noon...

... and I've been here since 5:30! I forgot how long the day can really be when you're doing mornings. The last time I had to get up at 4am was in Lancaster, Pa, when I was doing mornings at an old station I was at. Not that I was any good at doing a morning show, but this morning was fun.

More later...

tk

This is a NUDE FREE ZONE...

... if you listened to the show this morning, you heard us talking about nude pics of the Desperate Housewives AND naked pics of Erin Taylor...

You'll not see those here. Not as long as my blog is linked to a Clear Channel website. They're bigger than you and can whoop my a$$.

But, naked pics of Erin Taylor are posted in Huggly or Fuggly... happing looking!

For more great dirt, check out www.danasdirt.com

LOL

...tk

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Long week ahead....

It has just slipped my mind, but I realize that it's almost been a week since I've written. Sorry about that. I've had many personal emails about the song list from my iPOD that I posted, and i'll try to share those emails with you in a few...

We've been slammed. We had a great show with Howie Day on Friday night... it was SLAMMED. One of the coolest things about NOK and my job is putting you in touch with artists like this for absolutely NO cost. It just makes sense to me... why not throw a party and give us all a reason to celebrate!

I've got more to post, I'll try to do so in the next little bit. I've got to ready myself to do mornings all week... Jonathon Rush is out on vacation and I told him I'd try not to ruin his show while he was out... 4am wakeups... yikes!

More in a few...

Toby

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Art imitates life ::

Power songs in the tk iPod... designed to make people go scramble for the lyrics so you can get a glimpse into my head! (I know, demented, right?)

Crossfade/Cold
Crossfade/So Far Away
Jimmy Eat World/Pain
Sum 41/Work
Frankie J/Obsession
Switchfoot/This is your life
John Legend/Ordinary People
Tim McGraw/Live like you were dying
Lifehouse/You and me
John Mayer/Daughters
Howie Day/Collide


Go read the lyrics, and email me at tobyknapp@clearchannel.com if you think you can find what I am thinking in these lyrics...

Goodnight... It's sleepin' time.

tk

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Things that make you say WHY?

1) Mr. T.
2) Tiny Tim
3) GoBots
4) Voltron
5) Max Headroom
6) the pyramid-Rubix-cube ripoff
7) the flat rubix cube thing made of fishing wire
8) George the Animal Steele
9) the Commodore 64
10) the band Extreme
11) Mambo #5
12) The Macarana

... more later... have to go watch rocky... lol

I need to go on a road trip...

I really do. Driving clears my head. Flying is fun, too. I'm on my way to the gym tonight, and I am thinking that I really do need to go back to Fl. for a few days to recharge around friends, and to be around some people who really are family to me. I want to go see someone very special to me, too. Although she's too young to know it... but I know she can sense how much I care.

Well, anyway, don't we all deserve a vacation?

I'll write more later if I can move my arms...

Toby

Howie Day

No, this post is not brought to you by a record company, but I'm pretty psyched about this Howie Day show we've got at Rio on Friday. We're calling it "GIRLS NIGHT OUT" with Howie Day, and honestly, it's a pretty amazing feeling to know that all these women are going nuts to get in! In fact, earlier, when we were over at Rio, someone called and asked if there was any way to buy their way into the show!

There isn't. You've gotta win your way in. Or, know someone who can put you on the guest list ;) Want to go? Email me, and maybe I can pull some strings with the Program Director of the station... tobyknapp@clearchannel.com is my email....

The weather is amazing today, just really windy... a front blew through last night and it rained/stormed like a mofo last night. It woke me up and I was thiking of what it would be like if little Kyla was still here in Columbia with me. Would she cry? Would she end up in bed with daddy to know that she was ok? It's kinda funny... lots of things like that are hitting me now. Like today at lunch, we walk into the restaurant and a little kid looks at me and smiles. I smile back but my mind wanders to a place that I can't be right now for reasons that I've tried to change but still remain out of my control. It kinda hurts. But it doubles my resolve to be a better daddy - even if from a distance.

Oh well... Such is life...

Spring Break is going on in my old hood... I love it. I was getting text messages and emails from people I used to work with... I guess FLZ is back at Shepards... god I miss that place. Shepards was a great place to work - with great people and insanity. Someday, go to Clearwater Beach and stay at Shepards. Tell Gerri I say hey when you're there!

More later... adios, Hombres... the El Chico curse is ON!

...tk

Monday, March 07, 2005

Monday stuff...

Welcome to another fun filled week of work! As we speak, I've sent out one of our team's best workers - Shaun - to go grab us some lunch from Sticky Fingers BBQ in SC. I'll tell you, there are a lot of things I miss about FLA and Tampa, but the food in the Carolinas is AWESOME...

... except for this one BBQ place. Did you know there's a BBQ place in SC that flys the damn confederate flag over each of it's restaurants? Apparantly, when SC decided finally to drop the damn Rebel battle flag from over the state house, this BBQ place's owner went ape$hit and ordered the flag up at all his restaurants. He's pretty well know, but when that flag went up, his products like BBQ sauces and more came OUT of WalMart, Winn Dixie, Kroger (i think) and more. It's the damndest thing to see... driving down the road, past a BBQ joint you won't go into because he's got the damn CONFEDERATE FLAG kickin' it high up on the flag pole for the world to see.

I want to be like, "Yo, man, it's 2005. Time to catch up".

Ok, time to finish some work and to chow down on the Sticky Fingers BBQ!

Crack is whack...

Oh - by the way, I wanted to share my horoscope with you for today... not that I put much faith in them, but this one was pretty interesting... read, and enjoy...

Even you will be surprised at how blunt, honest and open you are about a situation that would be tricky, at best, for most of us. Now, if you're going to be surprised at yourself, you can just imagine how others will feel -- especially the ones that are already shakable. See what happens next? You decide you might be worth the effort, and suddenly your life begins to change.

How very Our Lady Peace, hua?

Toby

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Waxing on rock, Hanibal Lechter and more...

If you listen to the show, you know that one of my favorite songs right now is Papa Roach's SCARS. So, here I am tonight, resting in my apartment in the Northeast of SC's capitol city, wathing Red Dragon on USA... I'd not seen it before, but while watching it, toward the end, Hanibal writes a note to Ed Norton's character and says "I'd imagine you have some scars, don't forget who gave you the best of them and always remember that our scars remind us that the past is real..."

I about freaked the f*** out.

Such a motivational line from Hanibal? Wow.

So this weekend was good...Friday nights at Rio Nightlife are awesome. Everything a club should be. Pancho and I are both there, and the party is great, but the best part about Rio is the genuine relationship we have with the club's owners. It's just a good give and take, you know? They want us to help them throw a party weekly and we really want them to do well.

Ra is a monster. It's Vegas-Meets-Miami-Meets-NYC in Columbia. We were there early on Saturday so I let a friend talk me into going to a show next door at Headliners... the band was Pain In Life, and I can't figure out why they're not signed. They're working with Crossfade people on some projects and I predict that they'll probably blow up this year. I was impressed by someone I was hanging with that night... he's a formidible competitor but an even better dude because he gets it... anyone who gets on stage and kicks it with local band on a song is an automatic kick ass dude in my book. He knows who he is...

Speaking of shows, it was good to go to one again, and I need to get to more of them. I used to really love going to see live music before I got to Tampa. There really wasn't a great live scene there... Star tried to keep it going, but Tampa is the land of the breakbeats, and since glow sticks just dont go too well with acoustic music, the scene kinda died. One of the best things abour Cola is the live music here... its' everywhere you look... people tryin' to make a name for themselves with some great music. Another great band is this band called the MOVEMENT. Damn good band. Again, tbey should be signed.

Personally, I am fine. Day by day, we can make one positive change which will move mountains in your life. Some people don't want to see them, or believe them, but in the end, you have to know that you're doing right, and if you listen to the inner voice in your heart... and I mean really listen to it, you'll know it's leading you right.

Hasta manana, and thanks for reading.

Hope.

tk

Friday, March 04, 2005

Everybody's searching for something...

... something to feel and to hold...

Lines from an old song... God knows I probably butchered some old Van Halen lyrics just now, but I spent some time with some people I know this evening, each who is in some way looking for something more to this life. It's funny, beacuse the people I was talking with after my show today are great people, but the uncanny thing is how we've each managed to allow - for whatever reason - our relationships to go awry. While each of us has very different reasons for what is wrong with our current "situations" or, in some cases, a lack thereof, the one constant is this:

Each of us is kinda seeking a way to make them right.

I don't want to get into detail about the people I was talking with. I doubt they're even reading my blog, and if they are, I want to protect what was some very frank and open dialogue we had. Just know this: Each is looking for something. We all are. One wants to make things right with someone they're with. Another wants to right the wrongs and work for a future if it's possible and finally, one just wants to be loved by their SO.

It felt good to listen tonight. It felt good to know I am not alone in this world looking for the "why" to why things are they way they are. It was somewhat refreshing to know that there are others who are just looking for someone to listen, to understand, and for someone who can kinda give them some reassurance that things can be better.

Things can be.

I've learned lately, through trying to make constant and never ending improvements to this thing called life, that you can indeed learn from situations as you strive to move forward into a live of CANI. I've learned that you can make changes internally that will cause that inner light we all have to shine, no matter how long it's been dormant for. When you commit your life to making things better, one day at a time, things which seemed trivial fade away, and the real things which can be fixed remain.

So, if there's anything I took from tonight's conversations... let's call them the "greystone conversations"... it's this: Hope. Never lose it. Always believe in it. And if your hopes lead you to another place, realize that it is what was meant to be, and if you're willing, able and strong, you'll find that peace.

When you move forward, some people won't like it. They'll want you to revisit the past again and again until you become exhausted from traveling in circles. But when you've made your peace with the past, the lingering doubts fade away, and a new dawn comes. One which brings a new day filled with hope. Here's to those new days... and to the hope that they can happen every day.

I know this may seem kinda blah to some of you. Sorry. I just really felt tonight, while driving home, listening to Dave, that I'd share something with you which kinda brought me some calm tonight.

Now... off to a club! Rio is tonight. It's a great place. Great owners and a great venue. We've got a private show there in a week with Howie Day. He sings this song called "collide" and people seem to be excited about it. I am... I love that we've brought two great up and coming acts to perform for our WNOK fans since i've been here... and I hope we bring many more. If your from COLA and want to go... hit WNOK.COM and make sure you're a VIP!

Peace...

tk

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Breakthroughs...

What a day. Work - was fun. We've got a lot to do but we've got a great team which can get it done...

Personally, what a day of breakthroughs. It's amazing what happens when you, trying to make every day better than the last, just take a risk without knowing what will happen and let life take its course. I can't tell you how liberating it is. You overcome internalized fear. You realize that no matter what you've done wrong, you CAN do right. There is an amazing strength that comes when you let it go!

It's like after the storm there's a rainbow... that's how it feels to let it go...

Hi to my boi Coddy who is reading the blog today ;)... SPARK it UP!

More later... having a conversation IRL with an old friend...

tk