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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The Best Christmas Gift a Daddy Could Ever Want....

Hi!

Back from 10 days of vacationing, working a short week and getting ready to head out on the road again to bring in the New Year with some LOVED ones! I can't wait!

Well, since so many of you are streaming us again at WNOK.COM, I thought I'd update my site at WNOK.COM... if you haven't looked, you might want to... lots of changes... lots of new pics and stuff coming... I think I'm freaking out Shaun, who is my unofficial webmaster at 'NOK. He's on vacation and I figured out the new web ish our company's given us to use! Oh well, should be fun...

Anyway, let me begin the story of the BEST Christmas Gift any daddy could want... and it's the gift I was given this year!

I wasn't supposed to get this gift... why isn't important... but what is... is that it's now framed and hanging in a room that will soon be filled with life and love and laughter in 4 months and twenty something days...

I found it... and it looked forgotten. Time had started to take it's toll on it... and even though the time was the matter of months, the elements had started to set in. Cast aside... Forgotten... Frayed and torn on the edges... It's rich green color had already begun to fade due to the sunlight, and exposure to cold air. Scuffed in some places, dirty in others, I found it sitting in a place I'd never expect, at a time I'd never expect while doing something which while unexpected, is now the norm when you live a life as a single baby daddy...

But through the weathered elements, one thing had not been touched by time... And it's funny... Because it's something that - for me at least - is a symbol of time frozen...

I was supposed to get it for Fathers' Day. But, it made my Christmas complete...

[thestorytobecontinuedsoon]

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Kyla and Daadddeeee... together again!

That's right... after a month of being away in freezing cold CT, Kyla is back with me for Christmas! I flew up to her mom's house to get her - was delayed at Dulles - and spent a few hours remembering why I can tolerate days at 35 degrees more than I can tolerate days at 17 degrees. Yeah, it is COLD in New England... but getting her back for a week this holiday makes a few hours of cold worth it... she'll be back with her mom and her family up there at her winter residence in New England next week...

One of the coolest things about seeing someone - in this case - Kyla again after a momth is how the short span of one month can bring so many changes! She's expanded on the verbal skills she had when she was here... experts say she's processing about 50 new words every day, so we're making certain we teach her some new ones while we have her! The most amazing thing was what she did NOT forget... people, places, faces and things. When she walked into her new room in Columbia (complete with her own PINK iMAC), she went "ooooooooh" then went to her Finding Nemo car and hopped on it, then started turning knobs as if to make sure they still worked. Then, it was off to her Kyla toy bin to dig through her toys to find whatever it is she was looking for. We ended the evening watching the Little Einsteins her friend Car-Car turned her on to and then read a book together before she went to sleep in her crib. She looked - well - at peace. And it just felt good to see her, her 'babies' back in Columbia, even if for one night before we left for vacation.

Speaking of things she didn't forget... you should have seen her at her Nana's house here... Mrs. Jane who watches Kyla with her friend Carson and others in Nana's family. Kyla got out of the car, and while I was getting her things together, she ran right up to the door to go in to Nana's house! On the way she'd babble and then you'd hear a word "nanna" or "paapap" which is what she calls Nana's husband. Amazing. It's probably one of those things you only notice if you're a dad... but it's just amazing nontheless. Friday evening, after work, we we left on our vacation, and drove to NC to see some family here and Kyla knew where we were going... but instead of saying "car car" this time... she said the name of our friend in Raleigh and started laughing... and it kinda set a tone for fun... which we're continuing today doing some sort of something that is fun for a 21 month old and two people who love her more than life itself! You should have seen her at Randi's house... let's just say she LOVES her some doggies... and she BARKS at them! We were all fascinated watching this little girl bring so much happiness to everywhere she goes. It just makes me so proud to be her daddy... you have no idea. She's so brilliant...

It's amazing what she remembers and what she says. Before she left, I made her a promise which has to do with the 'stars' and 'moon' and to hear her talking about them just at random kinda lets me know that she heard and understood what i promised her before she went back to her mom.

Regardless of your religious beliefs, the end of the year brings a time for family and those closest to you... those who are there for you no matter what. From Kyla and I to you... it's our wish that you'd have some amazing time with family this holiday. We wish for you that you'd remember that the holidays aren't just about presents... or money you spend or receive... or what you 'think' you should have received for whatever holiday you celebrate. We wish for you peace... happiness for you and your family and love.... above all others... that you set aside your personal drama and issues with friends, family etc... and experience the LOVE this season brings with it. A love that heals, strengthens and brings for you a joy that will carry you well into the new year!

We're traveling north starting tomorrow. I'll try to update with pics and more of Kyla experiencing some cool things while she's with us!

Ho 3....

-tk

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thankful... for so many reasons... thankful...

Hi, and Happy Thanksgiving!

I bet you've stumbled by here and you're like "SHIT. HE ACTUALLY POSTED". LOL. Welcome back... Sorry I've been gone so long...

I see it's been about a month since my last post here... and I apolgize... It's been a busy month, a month of many happy things - a month of some sadness - but all of it another great chapter in what really has been a great adventure of learning in this life.

As some of you may know (since I've received your emails and I know you might frequent other blogs - hi sg*dm - fans... Kyla is with her mom. And in the silence of a holiday where my heart a thousand miles away from home both to the south and to the north - I wish you the happiest of Thanksgiving well wishes I can.

Tonight, driving home in the warm SC air (it was 70 degrees here today ha ha ha!).. I looked up into the night sky and could feel Kyla's presence. It warmed my heart.

See, before Kyla went back to her mom, she and I were outside walking like we liked to do by the pool and trees here and we looked up... and in that sky she pointed and said "starrr" and "mooon"... and I said to her a promise... that "whenever you miss me... whenever you need me... look up into the night sky... and know that every time you see a star, you will see me. And every time you see the moon... you see me... and since all the stars are suns... every time you feel the sunshine.... you will feel me. And when you're scared, sad, lonely or confused, know your daddy is here with you always and I'll make it alright..."

I dont know if she could understand it... but I think she did. Daddys and little girls have a very special connection I have been told by other daddys... and I know that tonight, even if for a moment, Kyla's soul reached out across the miles and touched mine. I can't describe the feeling... but if you're a parent, you know it.

Kyla is with her mom. And, as much as it will piss off some people who thrive on the drama of a former life I once had, I am happy that Kyla is there. See, Kyla has two homes... two families... and the most amazing thing about it is that even all that love can't contain what my precious little daughter brings to anyone's lives. I am happy that at 20 months old, this little girl who has changed my life has the power within her to touch anyone's live and to bring them joy and happiness. She lights up a room whenever she walks in. She makes the elderly woman in a Publix check out line smile... and reach out a shaky hand to touch beyond the generations a life that is so full of radiance. She reminds me of a young man I used to know... who would talk to the grand damme elder of a church he used to attend just to bring her joy.

Kyla brings Joy. And I am thankful that today - and for the next 5 months and 29 days or so - she will bring that Joy to her Mom and her mom's family. Let me share another Kyla story...

Kyla has this radio bug -- this charisma -- in her. She's had it since she was just a couple of months old. One night, I was watching what we in radio call a 'video aircheck' of an old boss who is like my big brother. Kyla met him in NYC when we were there... but I digress. She had been crying as all new borns do until I put on the aircheck video... and then, she stopped. And watched. No wonder why now when she visits a studio with her mom or me she is fascinated by everything that we do that you never see when we're on the air. My little girl will be a superstar - in radio - or whatever she chooses to do... I can tell... As a daddy, I just know. I just hope I can convey to her some lessons I've learned the hard way along the way if she chooses to 'crack the mic LOL'

My heart is with Kyla tonight, and it's with another - very special love of my life who's birthday happens to be today. For reasons I won't get into, I couldn't be with her - or anywhere but here in Columbia - this Thanksgiving... but I could sneak out of town to visit her and drive her to her airport earlier today. It being her birthday, I wanted to give a one of a kind gift... a present only I could give... and for the first time in my life, I was inspired to do something i've always wanted to do, but never have.

I made a piece of artwork. And I hope she likes it. We'll see... but I believe she did. :)

Making a gift is not something that was an original idea in my life. There was a time when, one Christmas, my father and brothers and I made candles for the members of our family. Times weren't really the best financially then, I recall, but we were rich with the love that came from bonding as a family to make a present that truly was one of a kind and unique... which carried the imprint of love to those we gave them too. When shopping for my GF, I remembered that time we made these gifts... and I remembered that my GF truly is one of a kind... so inspired again by my dad (who had us make the candles), I went and got the materials I would need to create.

I've never said I was an artist. But if art is the byproduct of blessed inspiration, then for a night, while I created, I was artistic. To the one who awakened this... who inspired this... I love you NMW and miss being with you and your family in what really is a magic kingdom... and to my dad who motivated me all those years ago... I love you and miss you this holiday evening.

Anyway, I ramble. Later, I'll post my TK thank yous... the list of 'thanks' to people I owe much to. I wanted to reach out to you and catch up since I've heard from so many... and I've been silent for some time.

Before I go to give thanks with my Columbia radio family who are orphaned this holiday by our chosen jobs, let me share one last thing...

The Chronicles of Narnia are coming out soon... a movie based on CS Lewis's books... and the first one is called the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. When you do what I do, you get a ton of new CD's before they go on sale, and my friends at EMI Reactive brought me this months ago... while Kyla was here. Anyway, after I was driving home from taking Kyla back, I put the soundtrack in and came across this song by Steven Curtis Chapman... a Christian pop dude I've known about for a long time... he's one of the best in that genre of music... well, I listened to his song, and found so much of it to speak to me - especailly about Kyla. Why? Because Kyla goes to her mom as the cold winter comes... but as life begins again... and as the world breathes again the warmth of spring... she comes back to live here with me.... That being said, read these lyrics...

While it's clear that Steven Curtis Chapman was writing for someone much Higher... to me, the song speaks about my beloved daughter... from the beginning, through tough times and changes... and when I will see her again...

It's uncanny... but with my life, so many things for so many reasons are... and I am so thankful I get to live it!

Please... read on:

I found You in the most unlikely way
But really it was You who found me
And I found myself in the gifts that You gave
You gave me so much and I

I wish You could stay
but I'll, I'll wait for the day

Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You

From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for

Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You

The dark night, the hard fight
The long climb up the hill knowing the cost
The brave death, the last breathe
The silence whispering all hope was lost
The thunder, the wonder
A power that brings the dead back to life

I wish You could stay
But I'll wait for the day
And though You've gone away
You come back and

Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You

And I'll watch as the sun fills a sky that was dark
And I'll be remembering You
And I'll think of the way that You fill up my heart
And I'll be remembering You

I'll be remembering You
I'll be remembering You
I'll be remembering You

I'll be remembering You


Wow, right? From her conception... to her birth... to her life... to hear leaving... to her coming back to be with me... through every phase of our life... this song is - to me - about my life and love for Kyla. Just amazing how it happens... I'm still kinda in awe.

Goodbye for now... and to the loves of my life in Orlando and in Connecticut, I love you... deeply with all my soul....

And a special word to the little one who holds one of the two keys to my soul: Daddy loves you and misses you terribly. I feel you in the evening air... and, like CS Lewis wrote in his book...

“Whenever I see the first signs of spring, I’m going to be remembering you. I’m going to be remembering Aslan, remembering the story and what is to come.”

Much love... and I hope you are well. Thanks for reading... I'll update again tonight or tomorrow.

>>ps - since i know some want to comment... you can email me to become a member of this blog... i'll add you in OR you have to be a registered user of blogger... if you are, happy posting. If not - you can sign up!

;)

Monday, October 24, 2005

Kyla's Minnie Mouse outfit and Little Einsteins...







Just some pics to share for you who care to see 'em...

When we get home, we usually watch Elmo - but tonight, as you can see, she is dancing and pointing at the Little Einsteins... Her high step in one of these pics is the stomp dance she does to the theme song... It's the same dance she does for Gwen/Hollaback and Weezer/Beverly Hills...

Her hood - her "bhatt" or 'hat' if you understand Kyla-speak - is up because she loves to put it on... and to take it off... and to put it on again! She's fascinated that it's built in to the outfit. She needed that hood... as we were coming home tonight it was down to 55 degrees! DAMN cold for a baby born in Tampa and for a dad who forgot that it can actually be below 65 in October...

She seems to be feeling better - and the diaper rash seems to be clearing up... I need to figure out what she will be for Halloween... we have a safe trick or treat thing this week... and I may take her to this thing called Hallowonka... I hear it's great for kids... over at EdVenture...

Nothing much else to say tonight... I'm tired. She's asleep... and I'm gonna try to do the same...

-goodnight...

-tk

Sunday, October 23, 2005

I'll take what my daddy's eating, please...




Here's one of Kyla over the weekend... we went to UNO over in Lexington and chowed down on Saturday night. We had some company in town and - well - it's always fun to do what we do when we all do it together!

Kyla's had a very interesting case of the poops this week... i know, gross, but I figured I'd talk about in the event that anyone even reads my blog anymore... LOL. They've been better, then it seems like today (Sunday) they've been every like 30 minutes... I gave her rice and crackers for dinner... But I guess we'll see... we're going to the doctor this week. It made for some fun with my company this weekend, tho! :) Kyla's busy right now watching Disney's Little Einsteins... she LOVES Little Einsteins now. She used to dance the way she dances for Little Einsteins' anytime ELMO came on... but I guess now she's graduated to the blend of Art, Real Life and animation that makes up a Little Einstens show. She LOVES them... just like Baby Einstein when she was way younger... LOL I can hear her going PAT PAT PAT PAT PAT with the Einstein kids trying to get Rocket to blast OFF!

Speaking of company... she just left a couple of hours ago and I can already feel that she's gone. It's the toughest part of a relationship that involves some distance... the weekend escapes that are almost magical - even when you're doing nothing, like we did this weekend - which have to come to an end... I thought that the 'hit-in-the-gut' feeling would get better with time, but it hasn't... and I am ok with that. I think that's what happens when you love someone deeply... You miss them... even when they're not really all that gone, ya know?

I am the most blessed man on the planet, and I am reminded almost daily of just how lucky I am that I have the women in my life that I have. One's almost 19 months old and has taught me so much about love, life, selflessness and patience and the other has taught me again how to love with my whole being. It's just amazing.

Now I know it seems kind of GEEEEY to read a guy talking about this... but if there's one thing I've learned... it's to listen to the women in your life. The passion you may have for something... is the passion they have for you. And in my case, it's so true. And in every case they want the best for you.



All my best... more pics of Kyla soon... I have to go through about 40 that we took this weekend...

;)

-tk

Monday, October 17, 2005

Looking back... and looking ahead...

Here's another pic of Kyla... she was in one of the studios at daddys' station. She loves to sit around and hang... this was earlier in the summer... when I was on the air at some other station and she was sitting around waiting for me to get done...



I wanted to repost this one break about something I just re-read...

Constant and Never-Ending Improvement... One change every day... so that you are in a constant state of improvement...

I hope that I am doing so... with the gig, Kyla, my GF, as a daddy, financially...

Sometimes, your own words are a great reminder...

Monday, February 28, 2005

CANI
Constant and Neverending Improvement. It's an idea that i've really come to embrace over the last couple of weeks. It says that as long as you commit to improve at least one thing about yourself every day, you then move into a constant state of becoming better. It's amazing how true that is. If you commit yourself to just making one small change every day that betters yourself, you really DO reach even greater heights! Sometimes, it means making a decision that you have to improve yourself inspite of what you might have wanted to have happen. Sometimes, it means accepting what is and choosing to make the future - day by day - even better. It's really kind of liberating. But, it's not super-revolutionary. The old saying "just for today" or "step by step" is kind of the driving force of CANI. If you make a choice to better yourself daily, and you maneuver day by day - step by step - no one can stop you! Anyway, just my thoughts for the day... Peace out... back to work on some crap here at the house... tk

Kyla and coooo-keeeeees...






Every day, Kyla gets dropped off to me at 5. It's cool because she gets to hang with Daddy on the air, and she also gets to hold court here at the station... she's kind of become our little baby deejay here... and she certainly holds court when she gets here...

Today, Pancho brought back cookies from an appearance he had... Kyla... loves COOO-KEEEEEES.... I had to snap some pics... and I thought I'd share them with you!

And, so, between on air giveaways with out contesting, live commmercial reads and misc. memo writing I have to do, Kyla tears my office apart trying to get to to anything that will get her closer to the COO-KEES I've placed WAAAAY out of her reach... but not before daddy's girl convinced me to give her one... or two... i mean three... LOL...

We're about to go home... hopefully I have not spoiled her dinner ;)

Someplace up the road about 200 miles, I can hear someone yelling at me about giving her cookies and cheese... and poopy diapers...

LOL. More later...

-tk

Thursday, October 13, 2005

My best friend...

It's been a little bit. I know, the STORY of my online life. Thanks for letting me have the time as a daddy to retreat into my life with Ky. She and I have had so many adventures... Like literally, every weekend, this 18-month-old marvel and I have experienced so many things... we've travelled, we've seen live music and shows... we've experienced life... and we've grown pretty close.

I've grown pretty close to someone else, too. Let me tell you about my best friend...

I say that because the other night, she and I were talking about best friends. She's got several best girl friends... and I've got some guy friends who I consider to be among the 'best of my friends...' but no one that really held the title of 'best friend' until now.

What is a best friend, anyway? It's someone that you share everything with. Someone that good, bad, ugly and gross... happy, sad, depressed, elated... you share it all with them. Someone who - no matter what - loves you. Unconditionally. TOTALLY. She loves everything about you - celebrates with you - loves your daughter... loves your family. She's someone who's made your mom cry tears of joy and who has made you feel in ways you've never felt before. She's someone who you will throw yourself aside for just because she's worth it. She's someone who can correct you in front of your parents because you get embarrassed or aggravated and start to get angry... reminding you 'not to talk to your parents that way... now I'm mad...' causing you just to back down...

That's right. My partner is my best friend.

Now, I've had other partners in life... but I've never ever called one my best friend before. They've been good friends... maybe they've just been friends... some, well, they were friends with benefits... but this one, is my best friend. That's why this one is so special. That's why I've kept this one so close to my heart lately, along with the time I spend with my little one, Kyla.

When your partner is your best friend, it's funny - arguements don't seem like arguements... they're discussions that get resolved. You never feel away from them even though you're apart because best friends truly live in a special place in the heart. You may miss them, but it's okay, because you talk to them so often that you're never really that far away. You finish eachothers thoughts. You can read eachothers mind. You know when things are wrong - even if you've not said anything at all. You try new things you've never tried before. You realize that they're a part of you and you're a part of them... that you are together an unstoppable - and amazing force in whatever you do...

You start your day talking to them. You end it talking to them. When you're with them - you stand back quietly and watch them... proud of them... because that's what best friends do.

You're affectionate in public just because you love and not because it's a feeling of 'what you should be doing'. The material becomes so much less important than the emotional... and the spiritual... and the past - although real - and at times painful - can be overcome... because best friends can overcome anything.

Is the person you're hanging with your best friend? Would you tell them everything - no matter how deep and dark... no matter how happy or sad? Will they accept you - teh total of you - all of your parts and all of your involvelements?

Are you scared of what they find when they clean below the surface? Or dig a bit deeper? When the one you're with is your best friend... those fears may be real, but they fade, because when you're in a relationship with your best friend, the relationship is built on something lasting, and real... something that will overcome storms, trials and tests... and something that will endure...

If the one you're with is your best friend... it can unlock the mystery of destiny... and can lead you in an adventure like you've never imagined.

If you'll excuse me, I've got a little one to check on... and someone to call...

... my best friend's waiting on me...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Clorox bleaches things whiter than snow...

Funny thing about Clorox... especially the Clorox that comes combined with some other sort of cleaner...

It really cleans.

And it really stinks.

Tonight, I write as the fragarance of Clorox permiates my mind. I know the smell has past, but the memory of the scent lingers, reminding me that sometimes, when you clean, you have to deal with some unpleasantness... but the after effects are lasting, satisfying and most of all, clean. And so, with the hum of the washer and dryer behind me, the sounds of some "Elmo" episode in the background, I write for the first time in several days...

The last few days have been days of realization for me. I'd say since last Friday through today... I've realized how blessed I am in this life. I have a wonderful daughter. I have an amazing signifigant other who - in spite of some things - loves me and I her... and she loves my daughter. I am aware that the things you most love in life take work... and I'm aware that the things that are most special in life should be cherished - and held close to your heart.

And, all in all, for the first time in some time, I am so thankful to have found a peace.

I was cleaning up some things today - sort of getting things settled more or less... when I came across a card which reminded me about the true nature of love...

Without compromising the very special nature of it, it basically said that "words" can't describe somethings. And how right that is.

Kyla doesn't need words to let me know she loves me. I see it. I sense it. It's in a hug... or a kiss that she now has learned how to give. I know she senses it from me...

It's the feeling I get when I see someone very special to me for the first time in a week. It's the feeling I get when I leave that same someone...

It's a feeling that has no words which can describe it. And, it's that same feeling which, in some ways, is kinda like an emotional Clorox bleaching...

It makes things new again. And luckly for me, I've been able to begin again...

Maybe the clorox fumes have gotten to my head. LOL.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

It is what it is...

Hey there.

I know it's been some time between posts. I've been living a great life... Kyla is great. She's here, playing... growing... having fun. Her world is so good... and so blessed. She'll soon be going back to her mom and her family that adores her there... and all is well.

Thanks for reading. I'll be back later today with more. I've got to go to the office now to spend time with the one thing that - along with Kyla - has an unconditional love for me...

And I need to spend some quality time with Kyla... it's amazing... how a 17 month old can bring so much clarity to a world that is so chaotic...

Friday, August 26, 2005

I have fallen in love...

.... with being a full time daddy! I've been slammed with some emails, so let me tell you what's been going on...

Kyla SPEAKS so much! She's brilliant... Bawwwl means ball... Shush means shoes... juush means juice... she says go... she knows when it's time to get ready to go to work and to her nanny that i have for her here and she LOVES "hollaback" by gwen stefani! oh... and she's made some special new friends that she loves very much... and she's gone on many an adventure!

Oh... and she brushes her teeth by herself... loves Gerber Graduates fruit snacks above all other and gives her daddy KISSES! yes! real KISSES from baby! It's an amazing thing if you've never experienced it. It's kinda like when she hugs my knees to keep me from going away... you dont know if you've never experienced it...

We've been having fun... and this weekend, i'll post all the pics from her time with me so far on the site... so make sure to check back for it!

AND, i'll tell you where to find a blog where i'll tell all the stories of Kyla hangin' with me... there's a ton of them! So, keep listening!

-tk

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Lifehouse/Breathing...

Hi there.

It's been a bit, hasn't it? New website at WNOK.com... and I've not really written lately because I've been spending some time, as Sam said, living my life. Savoring lost moments. Experiencing new things. And learning about unconditional love.

I know what you want to ask... let me answer it now...

She is fine. Thanks for asking. We're enjoying some quality time as father and daughter. Her days are filled with fun and her evenings are filled with fun. She's become well traveled... She's made new friends... she's grown... oh how she's grown... she, like her mom and dad, loves to talk... and yeah, like her mom and dad at times, she babbles incessently...

... but it's amazing.

I've not really written because this time is special to me in so many ways... and, no offense to you, I just made a decision to keep it private and close to my heart. You've read so much about me, her, our lives, the good, the bad, the ugly...

I just decided to sit this one out. To keep it private. Because it's a special time between me and her... and I just hope you understand.

So, why did I choose now to break my silence on the blog?

I got home late tonight... around 840-ish. Ky's evening pal had put her down... and when she left, I went to the nursery... sat in the rocker and watched her sleeping...

... so peaceful. So happy. So unaware of the world... it's pressures, it's heartache, it's joys and it's sorrows. Oh if we could get back to understanding the unconditional love a child... it's almost Godlike...

And she is a gift from above...

So, as I was sitting there, I got to hear her breathing. It made me think of the Lifehouse song by the same name. Go look for the lyrics. Maybe listen to it...

... and try to listen to them breathing... it's where I want to be....

All my best. We will talk again soon. Thank you for letting me have this time... and for understanding.

-tobeighnap

Friday, July 08, 2005

um.

ok.

I knew

...this secret relationship we were having couldn't last forever. But I hope we can remain friends. It's me, not you. LOL. This is my official "break up," goodbye letter to this blog -- and yes, you curious fools - this is Sam.

We all knew this affair couldn't last forever. I have my own life, my own blog...and I need to hand the reins back over to Toby b/c this is his life. You should hear things in his words, not mine. My perspective is just that...mine.

It has been fun. There's something incredible about just being able to step into someone else's shoes for minute. Throwing all of your stresses, concerns, baggage...and risky business to the wasteside. Even if it's just for a minute.

Well, there is no need for me to get all sentimental...and I hate goodbyes. So lets just say until next time. I mean you never know -- I could play my fickle card & realize this is all a big fat mistake.

I'll miss you,
Sam

I knew...

... and yeah. I know.

Just wanted to throw that in, too.

Simple....

... sometimes, things aren't.

It's the things which aren't simple that are the things that ultimately end up being the most special... the most precious.... in life.

I'd explain, but that would mean taking the private and making it public... and as I've said here before, I won't be doing that...

... because it's not simple. And it is precious. And I love it. Very much. More than I ever thought I could.

Simple Plan/Untitled...
... and for some reason... the Goo Goo Dolls.

Hi, me again. Good to be back.

-tk.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Clouds.

...of fear. Of doubt. Of hope. Of love. Have you ever wanted so badly to have utter and complete absoluteness? To be absolutely, positively sure?

Hi. It's me, Sam. Cloudy, rainy day today. Don't you think it's amazing how the weather manages to align itself with your life...day after day? Do you wonder why, when you first begin to see clarity things bottom up? Well, for the sake of avoiding argument...and not digging too deep, let's just chalk it up to the beautiful entanglement of life. Yes...lets.

So, have you figured out who I am yet? LOL. Who could I possibly be...??? More importantly, who really cares? I could be Toby's mom or dad, his best friend, gf, ex-gf, co-worker, mentor...and the list goes on. Maybe I'm Toby and I just feel like talking to you without the pressures of being "Toby." Maybe. BUT WHO REALLY CARES. You shouldn't concern yourself with this...and don't let me feed your curiousity with my teasing. I mean, does it really matter who I am?

Did you have a good 4th? Blow anything up? Watch the fireworks? Get way too much sun? All I know is that heavenly shouldn't be something you velcro together. It should be top of the line. First class. As perfect as perfect can be. And besides the velcro and a tiny seperation of time...for me, it was.

Hopefully, you too, had a tiny taste of heavenly. ;)

More later -
Sam.

Go below the surface....

that's where you find how clean you really are. Or aren't. Or should be.

-tk

Friday, July 01, 2005

Who is Sam?

I am Sam. Sam I am. I'm baaacck. Yes, me. The hijacker.

Hi Toby. Hi curious people. R U having fun yet? Have you asked Toby for clues? Has he given you any? You think you know...but you have no idea. LMAO.

The weekend is here, and there isn't anything that sounds better than a heavenly getaway to the beach. :-) Lying on a blanket looking up at the stars. Watching fireworks. Sharing moments.

Toby won't be available this weekend. But, don't worry...he's in good hands.

Have a safe & happy Fourth of July.
Don't miss me too much.

Much love,
Sam

I am Sam.

Hi. None of you know who i am...and though you might speculate, ponder and press for details, you will never REALLY know. Call me Sam. Sam I am. LOL.

Toby, you are not as clever as you think u r. I HACKED YOUR PAGE. Love me. Trust me. I promise not to write anything stupid or incriminating. Hi Toby's parents, hi rest of family and friends, radio admirers and stalkers. Oh, how could I forget -- the drama queens of the world...hi.

I'm a drama queen. I like attention. Why else would I hijack Toby's blog?

Ok, to the real reason I'm here. For right now Toby is on hiatus. He's out living life...for himself. He might be back soon. But he might not. But rest assured, he's the happiest & luckiest he's ever been. He's so damn lucky, he thanks the "baby jesus" every day. Anyways.

Do you miss Toby? I don't. But I get to see him. I get to hear what's on his mind, instead of just reading about it. I get the real life Toby. So sorry you don't. Be jealous. You should be. You really just have NO IDEA do you?

Have you ever met the poetic Toby? Have you ever met "The Real Haysus?" I'm slim shady...yes, I'm shady. Am I messing with you yet? Do you know who I am? Sam I am.

Anyways, be nice to Toby and maybe he'll come out and play again soon. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. I think that's BS, but believe it if you want.

Wanna know who I am? Email Toby at tobyknapp@clearchannel.com and maybe...just maybe he'll give you a clue. Then again, maybe not.

NMW,
Sam

Sunday, June 26, 2005

unreal reality...

when life allows you to have a chance at something you believed would never come
again...


embrace...

unreal reality.

i've said i am the luckiest man on the planet.

here's why. because despite every area... and i mean every area... in which i've failed the many....

the love... unconditional love... pure love... love that few can describe but which has inspired millions since the beginning of time.... has shown me that you can repair, restore... and re-inspire...

... if you're strong enough to try.

there's no perfect. there's no 'almost a masterpiece....'

there is, however, a place that that exists where you just try to live a good life....

and you let history be the judge.

you can fix what you've broken.

you can right your real wrongs.

you can. if you will just try.

may love lead you as you do... and as you live with passion.

- a guy, like you, who was blessed

Will Franklin Graham...

Thank you. You are the lion whose roar will long after winter last.

Well done...

Friday, June 24, 2005

Bent statues... and bar crawls...

Hi.

I know I said it may be more infrequent that I update, but really quick...

If you're of the COLA pursuasion... tonight, I'm hosting the Reality Bar Crawl... at Rio Nightlife... CT and Dave from 'da Real World on MTV are in the house. Get into it... tonight starting like at 9. I'll be there at 11.

And...

I was listening to this station called "the Pulse" today. They're not local. In fact, they're "extra-terrestrial..." but because I work in a terrestrial world, i'll limit my comments on their delivery-device. LOL. Yeah, I own stock, too. Hi, Kid...

Well, on my drive home this evening, I heard a couple of songs that just kinda fit for me today... and well... for this week...

It's been a tough one.

A new one and an old one. Back to back. Both by artists i've met.

Low Millions/Statue
Matchbox Twenty/Bent

See you tonight at Rio. And, if you get a chance, try the Whipped Cream Desserts when you eat at Whiteys.

Go. Inspire. Create. Relax. It's the weekend.

-tobei

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Completely honest. Completely open. Being complete.

Hi.

Life moves fast for me. Especially now. And, it happens that you're catching me in the midst of many changes personally. That being said, I'll apologize in advance for my less frequent updates which you'll see here for the next couple of weeks. I reserve the right to update when I feel so led, now, but I just wanted you to know that things could be sparse for those of you who come here to read what exactly is going on in my head.

Endings give way to brand new beginnings.

In a few days, the sun will set on a different time in my life. What a time it was. It's a time that while great at times - had more than it's share of pain. Pain I played a part in creating at times, too... but thankfully, pain which led to great personal growth. Is there sadness? No. It's the best thing that could happen... and the closure it brings, not just to me, but to others involved, is a blessing. It's a blessing because it means a moving on for some, but for others, it brings, as Sting would sing "the promise of a brand new day..."

It brings a beginning for me that is completely open... completely out there on the table... completely based on faith and completely based on a promise that a power greater than any other can conquer...

... it's a beginning I almost didn't reach. And it's a beginning which still requires me to grow every day.

CANI. You've seen me write about it here. Now, like i've said so many times, I get to really embrace what it means. Constant And Neverending Improvement... in an area of my life that requires me to be the every best I can be in a situation I feel very - very strongly about. CANI. As a daddy.

CANI. When it comes to me being all the things I believe I can be.

Last night, while planning my pending vacation - my first in almost 2 years - I was talking to someone about my grandfather. He's a man who lived a selfless life full of grace, dignity, strength, courage and love. He spent 50+ years as an amazing partner to my grandmother. In his quiet, strong way, he moved mountains, and touched lives. His incredible power? His selflessness, his complete openness and honesty with his lifelong companion, my grandmother, and his belief that by doing things for others, you can indeed find yourself. I hope I can be the same way.

Ok, I've gotta get to a very full agenda. But before I go, one last morsel of advice:

Trust the power of complete openness and honesty. Don't have fear that it may scar you - or hurt you. Trust. Close your eyes and let go of fear - no matter how long it's been building... you will be amazed at what can happen.

Can I? Yes. I can. Can you? Can we? Abosolutely. Believe. And find your moment as you live with passion...

Until next time...

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Phew.

I feel like a runner who has just completed a marathon. Lots of stuff going on with the job, the station, life... you know ;)

All consuming. Have you ever had something or someone that was or is just all-consuming? I'll explain later.

More soon...

tk

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Father's Day....

Happy Father's Day, Dad. Thank you for all you've taught me... for all you've done for me... for bailing me out countless times and for always being there whenever I've ever needed you. I don't tell you enough... but I love you. Thanks for being the brilliant, motivating man you are in your own way. I am proud to have you as my father... and I hope to be man - and father to Kyla - that you'd want me to be. I know I am not perfect... but I'll keep trying to become the kind of man that you already are.

Thank you dad... I love you. And Kyla... daddy loves you and misses you. I wish we could have been together this weekend... but it's okay... and I'll see you soon my princess...

So, speaking of this weekend, I'll retreat to a place where it's quiet... where I go when I want to get out of the glare of the radio limelight... to a place that is calm, quiet, and special... it's a place that like John Mayer sings, is "comfortable"... where I can be myself... in a place where time kinda just stands still... a place that just kind of fits...

... and a place that - thankfully - remains private... and close to my heart.

Like Peter Gabriel sings, "in our secret world..."

Don't read into it. ;)

Have a good weekend. I'll be back on Monday - late morning...

-you know who...

Friday, June 17, 2005

"blow them away..."

Blow someone away today.

That's all for today. ;)

Live w/ passion


-tk

ps - overwhelm them while you're at it, too. especially if they don't expect it.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Improving Home Improvement...

I dont know about you, but one of my favorite artists of all time is Bruce Hornsby. When I was in High School, someone, I forget who, turned me on to him. In case you're wondering who he is... he's been sampled by 2Pac, written for Don Henley and countless others, was the touring pianist for the Grateful Dead, and penned his own smash songs "The Way It Is," "Mandolin Rain" and so many countless others. His songs have inspired me, motivated me, changed me, evolved me, and have comforted me in many a time of need.

So, as a fan, no doubt you'd imagine that if I hear his signature piano work on anything, that I'd be able to pick it out...

That's where Lowes comes in.

One of Bruce's songs - "there's gonna be some changes made" - is the piano/music used in their most recent spot. It's also a song which, when many changes occured very fast between November of last year for me and, well, even until today, inspired me. It's in my ipod. It's on my Mac. It's a part of my digital lifestyle and it's a song when I am alone with my thoughts, I turn to for motivation and inspiration.

Changes are a part of life. Like I said yesterday, the act of becoming, which really is the act of living, is powered by the fuel which comes from change.

Change is a catalyst. It moves you... if you "dare" to let it "move you." If you set aside self doubt and fear and instead embrace the POWER of change. The power of change. Just another of the incredible gifts we've been given in this life.

And I have been given so many.

There's gonna' be some changes made... Here's what Bruce was inspired to write. If you're a music fan, you'll want to hear it, because STING sings with him in this song ;)

Maybe you'll find something in it that inspires you to, as you live with PASSION today.

From Lyrics.com:

Gonna be some changes made

man was a knife expert
kinda of a Jim Bowie type,
swaggerin', blusterin', 'coon skin
I said, "You're not serious, right?"

then I saw him grab my friend by the hair
and I guess I should have prayed
as he dragged him around, I said to myself,
"There's gonna be some changes made"

(gonna be some changes made)

girl I knew and loved alone twenty years from afar
with a finger to her lips she led me out to see the stars
she led me down to the gritty lake and in it we did wade
she took my hand and put it there - gonna be some changes made

(gonna be..)

gonna..
be some..
changes made
gonna be some changes made!

(gonna be some changes made)

gonna be some changes, changes made
can't keep on doing what i've been doing these days
look in the mirror i see a clown's face
gotta take it off, gotta get myself straight

gonna be some changes, some changes made
can't keep on doing what i've been doing these days
better figure out something
things are looking grave
gonna be some changes, changes, changes made

up in front for all to see
graceful like a bumblin' fool
then i thought i felt slip from my mouth a little drool
maybe no one noticed it
on my mind heavily it weighed
I saw two people snickering
I said "there needs to be some changes made"

(snickering..
gonna be some, gonna be some changes made
..snickerin'..)

(gonna be..)

gonna ..
be some..
changes made
gonna be some changes made!

gonna be some changes, changes made
can't keep on doing what i've been doing these days
look in the mirror i see a clown's face
some changes made

going home, i've done enough to sow my little name
going where the fields are green and I can do my macramé
a buffoon fumblin' without a clue, who likes to shift the blame
and often feels betrayed
... there's gonna be some changes made

there's gonna be some changes made

gonna be some changes, changes made
can't keep on doing what i've been doing these days
look in the mirror I see a clown's face
gotta take it off, gotta get myself straight

gonna be some changes, changes made
can't keep on doing what i've been doing these days
look in the mirror i see a clown's face
gotta take it off, gotta get myself straight
(gonna be some changes made)

gonna be some changes...
gonna be some changes..

doo doo doo doo... (and piano, to fade)

-find your moment...

tk

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Earlier mornings...

...It's my new thing. Getting up earlier. Being ready to conquer the world and to continue the learning that comes when you're doing what I am doing. That's one of the reasons I've been writing earlier here... and it's all a part of my "personal hour" to set my mental state for the day. Sometimes, it's not easy. Sometimes things happen that distract - physically, mentally and at times, emotionally. That's where discipline comes in.

The funny thing is, at times in my life, I've been anything but disciplined.

But times do change.

Not that I am the master of focus or any discipline, but I would say that I am getting better at it. And, like the time I take each morning now, it - mental discipline and focus - sometimes... it just isn't easy.

Now, if this were a commercial, I'd say, "As your doctor if Strattera is right for you..."

But here, I'd say, ask yourself if YOU are right for you. Are you happy? Content? Secure? Or, are you, like all of us, battling demons that live for whatever reason? You know - the thoughts that exist because of past indiscretions? Maybe unfinished business as I've spoken of before. Who knows what it is. All that matters is that it bothers you and challenges your focus.

If so, get over it.

You can't change what you've done. Just because you've done something - or have proven you're capable of something doesn't mean others are capable of it. Or, maybe they are, but you don't know that they haven't found the same focus you're seeking yourself. Quiet the demons and realize that, hey, it happens! We screw up! We make mistakes but the most powerful thing about the human condition is our ability to come back... to take what we've done and let it inspire us to be better than we are. It presses us into the thing that we do as long as we're breathing: the act of becoming.

The act of becoming.

When you start to give into the fears of the past - those fears which stifle progress, hinder security and mental, emotional or spiritual growth in life and in relationships - press on. Realize that you have within you inate, dynamic resources unlike any other. They come from within you. From that place that makes you who you are. Follow that strength and live with feeling, emotion, confidence in yourself and in the act of becoming. It's not always easy, but, then, is anything in life really? Think about it. Has anything you've ever wanted really been easy?

Didn't think so.

When I was in Lancaster and Philadelphia - learning and growing, I had always dreamed of working where I worked before i came here, to Columbia. It's generally considered a "mecca" when you do what I do. A place for the most creative misfits in radio and where complete creativity is fostered, encouraged and rewarded. It was and is a place regarded higher than most other radio stations major cities - including those stations I worked at along my way. It's mentioned in the same breath as New York and LA while other much larger cities are considered second tier. Not to discount other majors or other larger stations, it just is what it is, and, I almost didn't achieve the dream of working there. At the end - for a minute - I actually comtemplated complacency - to stop "becoming" and to "be" what I was in the position I was in.

Then, I stepped away for a minute, went to regroup my thoughts and to rekindle my passion for the act of becoming. And when I came back from that "sojourn" if you will, I came back, and every gift I've been given was rested, refined and refocused.

From there, the rest is history.

What do I mean by that story? I mean to stay that when you overcome internal doubt and fear, you unleash the true power of that gift we ALL have... The power of your spirit. It's what - I believe - powers us in the act of becoming. With extraordinary confidence of spirit - we can overcome anything. Of course it's not easy. Sure, it gets hurt. Sure, the body becomes weak and the soul becomes run down. That's all part of what brings it to life. Just remember for yourself that perpetual optimism is indeed, as Colin Powell has said, "a force multiplier" and for me, it's part of that fuel - the eternal optimism - which powers the soul as we go on in the act of becoming.

You think you can't be better than you are? You can. It may take work, but you can.

You think you can't shake the demons of the past? I think by breathing each morning when you get up, you already have.

You don't have confidence in who you are, in your relationship, in your job or in whatever you're doing? Trust me I know. I battle with it at times, too... But, I believe WE do - if WE have the courage to believe in ourselves.

As we go, let us remember: We are always becoming. We never are. We certaintly never were.

The sunlight peeking through the blinds in the living room reminds me that it's time to go and continue my great adventure through life. It's a life like no other, trust me. And, your life is a life like no other. Our "adventures" as we continue "becoming" help to shape and guide us as we continue our journey. They define us as lovers, friends, parteners, parents, leaders... as members of this global sandbox we all play in as we go through life.

The act of becoming... It's what you do when you are living. And I hope you are doing so - with enormous confidence...

... and endless passion.

All my best today as you become,

-tobi

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Welcome to the rest of your life....

I don't know... it just sounded good this am. It's what kind of popped in my head when I woke up this am to see Tom Meserau, Michael Jackson's attorney, on the Today show.

Welcome to the rest of your life. You'll do about 10 paid TV interviews at about $2-$5k apiece, you'll get a six figure advance on a book deal for a book that won't sell a million copies and 5 years from now you'll be an analyst for some cable news outlet. You will probably never see the inside of a courtroom again because your fame has priced you out of the realm of reality, but what you lose in legal fees you can make up on the cardboard chicken and paper mashed potatoes public speaking circuit, which I guess can be very fufilling and financially rewarding, as well. But, good or bad, you'll always be the attorney who got Michael Jackson off.

What kind of life is that?

What about Michael Jackson? Welcome to the rest of YOUR life. The only place you can tour now is overseas where people really don't care and where they really haven't been exposed to the overexposed world of the American tabloid media. You'll perform select dates in America, but you're so deeply in debt that whatever you make will instantly go out so that you can cover your multi-hundred-million dollar loans and your equally as large legal bills. People will always remember you for what you were and not for what you are - and you'll forever be a twice accused, once convicted and once settled 45 year old man who said that "there's nothing more loving that sharing your bed with a child."

Welcome to the rest of your life. If you can call that living.

You got your freedom but it cost you the world.

Now, I am not saying he's innocent. Who am I to judge his guilt or innocense... I am just saying that he has an interesting road ahead. It's not one that I could ever imagine going down. Time will tell what is ahead for the so-called King of Pop... and as has been the case for his life from childhood until his acquittal, the world will be watching.

It's morning again in the prison called Neverland.

Welcome to the rest of your life, Michael.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Comfortable uncomfort...

Oh boy here he goes again with the paradigms...

Have you ever felt comfortably uncomfortable? Let's break down what I'm writing thanks to m-w.com:

Main Entry: com·fort·able
Pronunciation: 'k&m(p)(f)-t&(r)-b&l, 'k&m(p)-f&(r)-t&-b&l, 'k&m-f&(r)-b&l
Function: adjective
1 a : affording or enjoying contentment and security
b : affording or enjoying physical comfort.

2 a : free from vexation or doubt
b : free from stress or tension
- com·fort·able·ness noun
- com·fort·ably /-blE/ adverb

synonyms COMFORTABLE, COZY, SNUG, EASY, RESTFUL mean enjoying or providing a position of contentment and security. COMFORTABLE applies to anything that encourages serenity, well-being, or complacency as well as physical ease/

Now, Uncomfortable:

Main Entry: un·com·fort·able
Pronunciation: "&n-'k&m(p)(f)-t&(r)-b&l, -'k&m(p)-f&(r)-t&-b&l, -'k&m-f&(r)-b&l
Function: adjective
1 : causing discomfort or annoyance

2 : feeling discomfort : UNEASY
- un·com·fort·ably /-blE/ adverb

So, you're going, "ok, tk, what are you getting at now..."

Have you ever felt just comfortable in your surroundings? Like the feeling of your own bed... of an old pair of jeans that you should have tossed long ago but because they are just soooooo right you've kept them. Maybe like an old sweatshirt which you've had with your old frat or sorority letters on them... who cares how it looks... it's just comfortable. You get it, right? Like the feeling of hot water in a relaxing bath or the feeling of a shower after the gym... Comfort.

Now, for the uncomfortable... the feeling you get when you realize you've been paid, but your paycheck is spent on bills. Like when you've lost your keys or your wallet... You knwo, right? The feeling you get when you're on a deadline and you COULD have done something hours earlier. The feeling a wife gets when the husband is out of town. That feeling when you've not gotten a call you were expecting... that feeling when you've not spoken to someone that you always speak to... That feeling of anxiousness that overwhelms for a moment - coming from the pit of your stomach, leading to that "cold sweat" feeling... Not a panic, but just a feeling that you're not used to. Like when you get a new mattress... or when you sit in a different place in your living room...

Now, don't read too much into it.

Instead, read into this:

Have you ever felt soo comfortable with something or someone that when it's gone and although you're comfortable, you feel this feeling of - well - uncomfort? Like you miss something or someone that isn't gone or missing? Like you've lost something but you haven't really lost anything? It's a missing a weekend houseguest who'll see next weekend. It's the smell of something that isn't there. It's the taste of something that has no taste. It's the feel of something that has no texture. It's seeing something that exists only in memory... and longing to see that something again, when it isn't even missing.

It's in the comfort of the uncomfort that we enter the paradigm of that which connects to the soul. It's in the ease of the uneasiness that we long for that which we can not feel for a moment... but that soon... we will feel again. It's when a key unlocks more than the door to something, but opens the gates of something else. It's the feeling of being someone or something that consumes you "like a burning flame running through your veins."

And it's through the uncomfort of the quiet that a peace comforts me.

It's past heart. Just beyond soul. Somewhere around your spirit.

Close your eyes. Try to mute what you are hearing and let yourself sink into your thoughts... into the soul... and listen to the voices of a day... a week... a month... a year... two years... five years... that you thought were long since silenced... and let them speak to you... let them stoke the creative fire of that wonderful invention called the mind and let it take you back to that place which you miss... or that you - either intentionally or unintentionally - may have forgotten. It's amazing how vivid something you either were or are passionate about comes back to life, isn't it?

Sometimes, that's all it takes to find comfort... in those times when you feel uncomfortable. At least, that's what works for me.

My hope for you reading this is that you'll find something that consumes you...

Live with passion...

tobeinap







:::\9 4364 73 27 46 97
:::/74 74 88 7 8 4373

Amazing.

I've really discovered that life - as crazy as it is and as unpredictable as it can be - is just amazing.

Just amazing.

It's the kind of amazing that leaves you speechless. It's the kind of amazing that reaches into your soul and makes you believe everything is possible because of the amazing power that is found in the heart.

Just amazing.

The kind of amazing when you realize that what you once only thought possible in fairy tales is actually able to happen. The kind of amazing when you learn that if you let go of your fears, that anything is possible.

Amazing.

More later.

-tk

ps - just for fun sometime - see what happens when you sit in a corner booth right next to someone you care about... that's pretty amazing, too.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Cold Stone Ice Cream, Kitchen Counters and Matt Lauer....

:)


I love every day better than the last. Each day brings a new promise and a new hope.

Take a road trip. Eat Cold Stone Ice Cream. Visit a state park. Watch the Discovery Channel. Let someone or something change your perspective. Be transparent. Jump up and down on a sofa and act like a child in front of Oprah. Care about something greater than yourself. Be scared and be sacred.

Live with passion!

I know. It's cryptic. But it's what I am feeling this morning. I apologize for not writing more sooner.

Here's to the moments when life shows you just how awesome it can be if you just let it be.

-tk

Friday, June 03, 2005

When the sun breaks through...

I never realized it before, but I believe my countenance is tied to the weather. Earlier this week, when I was driving back into town from a quick excursion out over the Memorial Day weekend, I thought to myself "I hope this gray, rain doesnt happen all week..."

It did.

But, today, as I was leaving the office to get some quality naptime before my gig this evening at the Sex/City party at Rio, I pulled out of the office and there was something I'd not seen all week...

... the sun.

Sure there were clouds, but as i slid the roof back on my overpriced '79 Chevy Nova, I realized the very real lesson that nature was teaching me...

... that everything happens in it's own time. The sun peeked out over the Carolina woods as I drove back to my Section 8 housing in the Northeast of Columbia... and the warmth bathed my face with a feeling of - well - peace.

Someone one wrote in a song I heard once that "Into every life a little rain must fall... and losing one you love is like a storm... but storms are passing". I don't think I've lost anyone I love (at least I don't think I have - yet ;) ), but the real truth is that storms... gray clouds... they all pass. And when they're gone, a peace just seems to settle in for a moment. And it's in that peace that you find clarity... and it's in that peace that the world just seems to make itself right again....

... even if it's just for a moment. And you read what I think about moments, right?

So while driving, Pancho threw in a song I've been thinking about adding to 'NOK... it's a remake of "Listen To Your Heart" by 80's girl power band Roxette. It's done by DHT now... and it's on the dance label "Robbins". It was pretty awesome to hear as the sun melted the clouds away... if you get a second, and you're one of those lyric-fans like I am, go take a read of the lyrics... It's funny how a powerful song can stand the test of time... and I've always been facinated by the very spiritual nature that a keyboard just seems to add to any song. Maybe it was just another moment... I've been having a ton of those lately... and it's funny... living moment by moment really goes hand in hand with constant and neverending improvement.

So this weekend - its' gig, gig, and then, Sunday, maybe a quick road trip to spend some personal down time someplace quiet... and where I am just another face in a crowd.... it's refreshing at times to step out of the "radio spotlight" and just melt into the background. You get a new perspective on life that sometimes the limelight blinds you from.

Have a great weekend....

tk

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Thangs...

Well, provided the weather hasn't made different plans, I've got the dubious duty of judging another Hooters' bikini contest this evening. Ahhhh the perils of my job. It's cool, tho, because when I am out, it keeps my mind off other things. Let me explain:

When you're alone, do you ever find that you become a prisoner of your thoughts? It's almost obsessive - you think incessantly about something until you can't possibly think about it anymore? God I found myself in this boat over the last couple of days, and then, in the midst of that funk I was in yesterday, I realized something. I'm not gonna be able to change what will be anyway, right? So, what do you do? Accept it and go on? Deal with it? I think so. And, you have to try to keep your mind off of things that bother you, perplex you or whatever by providing yourself with distractions.

I think this happens when we fail to live for a moment. Read on, you'll see what I mean.

After yet another night of restless sleep (or lack thereof), I woke up this morning and made myself a promise. I promised myself that I'd live life for every moment that may come... and that i'll seize them... because they may never come again. And when I made myself that promise, the other things I was stressing just all went away. It's pretty amazing, actually.

So why "living moment by moment?"

Because I've found here recently that what you perceive the future to be may be completely different than where REALITY is leading. You may THINK you have the future figured out... you may think you've got a handle on how things will be or go, and then, BOOM, life shows up and you realize that there's more complications than comforts, and what do you do then? You get into the funk like I was in.

But, when you slightly alter your perception - and realize that the PRESENT... the MOMENT you just experienced... is one of many keys to happiness, then you find that things aren't so bad after all. And you start to look forward to whatever moment life may bring you next. Maybe its a friend coming into town this weekend to hang with you... maybe it's the smile of your little girl that you've not seen in some time... who knows. But I do know that each moment is loaded with it's own special little miracles... and if you're patient... and still... and listen... they will speak to you.

Live for your moment today. Embrace it. It could be the last time you feel it... til that next one comes along ;)

-tk

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Again??!

Hi. Many postings from me today, hua? LOL. I know. I think it's the weather. I gotta break this funk I am in. Not sure why completely, it's not something I planned, but it's something that's got me. It's gotta be the weather...

Everyone's allowed to have a funk every once in a while, right?

;)

pax to my homies...

tk

Hi.

Hi. Back again?

- tk

Timing is everything....

Sometimes, you know, things come along at the right time. When you're down, they pick you up. When you're confused, they show you the way.

This email was one of those for me. It came along at just the right time.

To the person who wrote it - thank you. I'll try not to let you down...

... and sometimes - like today - it's not that easy to do...

I've found faith can move mountains. Your letter reminded me of that today. And it came at just the right time...



Ya know what? I just wanted to thank you. You're probably thinking...'why?'
I truly admire you. As a person, father and friend. You have been through so much and yet you remain so positive. You have used your experiences to better yourself, others and definitely me.

You make an impact on me almost daily. I have been struggling so much with things that if I had taken a step back and actually looked at the problem, I would have gone through so much less pain. I have been letting insecurities control what I make of my life. Hanging on to people I know I don't need and have hurt me. Plain and simple, I've been scared to get the old people out of my life for fear if I lost them, no one else may ever say they love me. I know you probably never expected to have people tell you how incredible you are.

But, I just felt like I needed to tell you. You've put up with my stupid letters, rants and problems. It means a lot. You are one of the only people I have been able to open up to...maybe because I don't really know you, it's easier said over a letter or what, but I really do thank you. Giving me advice and seeing through what I try to hide...

I hope you're doing well. Have fun at work :)

Forever Grateful,

Somnambulist...

... Sleepwalker. I say this because I've had some issues sleeping over the last couple of nights. I don't get it either, because I've been home and crashing relatively early. At first, I thought it might be as a result of "body-clock" tweaks that come as the result of a long weekend... then I realized that it's not that.

I don't know about you, but when I have a ton on my mind, I tend to dwell on it as I pass into slumber... then, I'll wake up and realize that it's still there - being dealt with - even after I've slept. Sometimes, the conversations in my head are - well - interesting.

And sometimes, they give direction.

Don't know where they are headed just yet. But hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight. More than I have over the last two.

Back to the pile of things to do... thanks for reading.

-tobias

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Harper's by candlelight over a glass of cabernet... .

Not really. But it made you more anxious to read, didn't it? He he he...

Well, you're back. Thanks, I guess. You'd think that after the last 3 years of you hearing about - and in many ways, being a part of my life - that I'd be used to your regular visits to my rhetorical playpen on the web by now, but I am not. It still amazes me that you find my life so important that you venture by here to read my thoughts. Maybe I am just a momentary escape at the office. Maybe you're looking for something from me. I don't know. Whatever it is, I hope that while you're here, you find whatever it is you're looking for.

Someone start U2 "I still haven't found what I'm looking for..." LOL. ;) Kidding, of course.

Tonight, I dined at Harpers with an old... OLD friend. One that goes back to the VEEEEEEEEEEERY beginning of my adventure in radio. In fact - she was the rep who bought me my first beer and almost got me banned from one of the coolest hangs in a market I used to be in... Lancaster, Pa. I have to admit it was good to see her. It made me realize, by looking it in the eye, how very different we become as we travel the road of life. We were both at different places in our lives then. We are both at very different places in our lives now. So, for an hour tonight, I traveled with her back over two careers which span years, miles and memories. And some of the things I discovered along the way are pretty interesting.

The most clear of all the things I discovered? That passion guides and drives us. She is as passionate as the day I first met her. I think I am too... sure, we're a little more "rusted and weathered" but inside, that fire still burns in both of us. You can just tell. See, the reason I can see it clearly now is because when I met her - I was really not anyone of importance to her. I was just a dude. But, for us to follow each other for as long as we have - for her, from record label to record label, and for me from station to station - is pretty interesting. And while I was never in a position to work with her like I am now, it's pretty surreal that our paths have always been parallel. And, now, I can say that she is one who knew me when... and that I knew when... and while many things have changed... that passion has stayed the same.

Funny how moments can make us introspective. Funny how those moments can lead to clarity. Funny how life just has - and sometimes - makes - a way.

So, driving home, I'm listening to - aghast - Creed. I've been rough on Scott Stapp. But, the reason that band sold millions of cd's is because of the power of their lyrics. And, a lot of that is due to Mark Tremonti, but I guess I'll give Scott some credit for the writing... On the way home - in the rain, grey, dismal weather that so rarely comes to South Carolina, I listened to the words of Creed's "Don't stop dancin'".

And it made sense.

Click here and read. http://www.creed.com/music/lyrics/dont_stop_dancing.html

Go ahead. Click it. You know you want to. While it may seem like a "downer" kind of song - it's a song of hope... a song of inspiration...

... and a song that when you think about it, like life, makes sense.

This evening, here's to those moments when life just makes sense. Moments that rush back into your mind that make you realize a feeling you thought you'd forgotton. Moments that inspire passion and stoke the embers of feeling at a time when you felt the fire burn down...

... and to those times that you thought may never come again.

Cest la vie... or is it Carpe Diem?

How 'bout "Live with Passion..."

Yeah. I like that.

tk

Blog untitled...

... because I have nothing to call it today! LOL. C'mon. It's Tuesday after a holiday and you expect me to be creative? Sorry. I've spent the majority of my day on reports... funny thing about reports. You send them off only to have them become part of another report that becomes part of another report that ultimately goes into another report which gets read on the bathroom by an assistant who prepares a report for someone else who sends the report... you get the idea, right?

So... maybe my day's been like yours... digging out of 10000 emails... catching up... it's been slammed. Why are Tuesdays like this after a holiday? Go figure.

More soon... me love u long time...

tk

Monday, May 30, 2005

Memorial Day...

Hi, I just got back from a quick mini excursion for the last two days... and only one word sums it up: Overwhelming. Don't over think it. I'll tell more later.

I trust you had a great memorial day... and I hope you remembered why it is that we had this extra Monday off...

To our troops... thank you.

More soon. Thanks to some forgotton motivation, i am gonna hit the gym for an hour or so. Amazing what happens when you have someone or somethnig that motivates you to be better than you are...

-tobias.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Monday night things...

Warning: completely random post ahead.

Hi. Welcome back. I figure there has probably got to be some reason you've stopped by here today. Or tonight. Or at whatever time that it is which brings you by my little hole on the web. Today was a pretty busy Monday... one which brought me new lessons... and which allowed me to grow as a person... or leader... or whatever you would call it. Today, I realized that sometimes, when you lead people, you've gotta get with them, see where their head is at, and let them know you believe in them even when it comes to having to motivating them. Today, I realized that everything in life can serve as a teacher of a lesson if you choose to let it, and I also was reminded of the potential wrong that comes with making short sided decisions... it reinforces a strategy I recently was taught - short term pain for long term pleasure. I also discovered the inate power that comes when you are committed to a course of action.

Ah, Mondays. There's just something about Mondays.

Anyway, things are good today. Just very busy - on weeks like this, you try to work ahead so that you - and your team - can try to enjoy a holiday like Memorial Day. It's tough when your business operates 24/7, 365 and is always on... especially when you obsess over things at the office.

Speaking of Memorial Day... I find that my thoughts drift to my Grandfather. What a tremendous man. An Army Air Force photographer who served because he believed that the call of his country was greater than himself. And, he, like countless others in the greatest generation went forth and gave of themselves so that the world and the concept of freedom would survive. He then came home and lived the American dream he fought to save. Started a family. Started a business. Founded charities. Lived an American live, loved with boundless love and left an incredible legacy when he stepped beyond the bounds of this world into the next....

There are many who have answered the call to serve - to defend the freedoms I take for granted every day. While we're free to debate the causes of some actions we as a nation have taken in the global theater recently, they're on the line, following the orders they're given and defending the honor - and privilidge - that comes with being an American.

Memorial Day. A day to remember. And a day for me to say thanks. Thank you to those who live, work and serve at Fort Jackson here locally. To those who may swing by this blog from MacDill. Thank you. To those who have gone before... you liberators of a world.... thank you.

I've often said that I feel we don't say "thank you" enough.

Anyway. My random thoughts. Pretty random tonight. I guess sometimes, when you fell random, you should just let thoughts flow. Sometimes, you find real clarity.

My life is pretty uneventful these days. Sometimes, uneventful gives the wrong connotation... My life is filled with solituide these days.... no... that's not right either. My life is pretty quiet these days. That's sort of true. It is much more quiet around here these days. Not sure if that "quiet" is am used to... but it sure is peaceful. Less drama maybe? Yeah. More peace? Sort of.

OH - Bravo TV. Tuesday night reality check. You gotta watch. Pretty interesting. What about this Sports Kids and Parents show? Have you seen this? It's amazing. Parents are whacked sometimes when it comes to supporting their kids sports careers. Pretty insane.

... told you tonight was a random night. It's one of those nights. Quiet. Calm.

I almost forgot how much I love the West Wing. What a great show. I haven't seen it in weeks... America needs a Martin Sheen type President. Maybe not all of his politics, but someone with his charisma. This episode is pretty powerful.

Moments in time. Things which inspire us. Sometimes in moments of solitutude, you'll find inspiration. Motivation. Dedication. Mediate. Segregate. Alleviate.

INXS.

I told you this would be random ;)

Have you tired of reading yet? Just wondering.

Sometimes, the impossible is possible.

Does this make me look fat?

We're going to make this exciting again.

15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more.

Random. Told ya. Yet you still read on. Meanwhile, you need to ask yourself,

"Did a moment of my life just pass me by?"

















Well, did it?


;)


.... tk

Mondazed and confused....

Today's the start of one of those weeks when you realize that everyone has mentally checked out for the Memorial Day weekend holiday we have before us... I sense it. A certain "exhaustion" from the staff. People are tired. Drained. Exhausted. Ready for a break. For the first time in 3 years, I have no idea at all what I'm gonna do. At the old place, our Memorial Day plans were pretty much set for us. God - I remember the first time we did it. Live from Shepards through the weekend. Oh well... not the way it will be this year. I'm still not even sure what I am going to do! There's Lake Murray... there's North Carolina... maybe make a road trip back to Florida... who knows. So many options. So little time. Maybe I'll just stay at home and unwind...

So today, it's handle some work for NOK and for some other stations I do some stuff for... and then, I'll head to the gym and continue my self-improvement.

I know... not much to say today from me. I'm sure I'll post more later. It's pretty funny how many people really come by my blog here to see what I am thinking or what's on my mind. Thank you for coming by... I wish I had more to share, but I've been so busy this morning that I've not had any time to ponder anything!

OMG - I just found out my friend (and co-worker) Marian is having a baby with her husband, who I also kinda work with, Franklin! The due date is 12/12! :) Such a blessing... Congrats, Marian... and Franklin, atta boy!

Love u long time...

tk

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Sunday Randoms.........

Today was - in fact, this weekend was, the #1 reason I am thankful to be in the South.... 70 degrees, sunny all weekend... maybe some clouds but who cares... it was an amazing weekend. For just a split second, I found myself missing Shepards on Clearwater Beach! It was just gorgeous here today... I walked around the complex where I live in the Northeast of Columbia today, as I was using our fitness center here today... Let me just tell you... I have some HOT neighbors! It was like being back on HI in Tampa! I'll talk more on the air about this Monday most likely... But wow. What a weekend.

It made me miss the times when Kyla was still just several months old that we would take her to the pool in our building in Tampa. It's pretty tough, I've gotta tell ya, because there were 4 or 5 little babies with their moms and dads at our pool today... Kyla would have fit in so well. People in the South are generally nicer, so I actually talked to some of my neighbors and their small babies today. I can't help it. My paternal instincts are pretty confused, but today, when I held one of my neighbor's little ones, I could feel that longing inside me well up again. I try pretty hard to keep it to myself, but, nonetheless it comes back. The line from a song I hear is from Lightning Crashes by LiVE. "I can feel it coming back again... like the rolling thunder chasing the wind..."'

It was a good day - spent working for a few minutes - and then spent out with friends outside doing something I used to love doing as a kid... and I realized today that I was better as a kid at it than I am now. I won't go into what it is because I am frustratated at how BADLY I performed. I think I get a competitive streak from my grandmother. She's amazing. She refuses to lose. I truly hope Kyla grows up to be like her. It just sucks because now, by no fault of my own or of her own, she'll not really get to know her Great Grandmother on my side of the family. Add that as reason 1549585490 as to why it sucks to go through what I am going through.

But, as much as I vent, things are good. I "chase" the pain that I am going through with Kyla with the love for life that I've been built with - and with the knowledge that better days are just ahead. As someone from FLA reminded me in an email, "you know, tk, just be a great dad and make sure you're living a great life, and you might be suprized what choices Kyla makes on her own..."

I hope you're right.

This is going to sound insane... But I've been thinking about adoption. Not that I am going to do it, but I see how great Angelina Jolie is with her adopted son, Maddox. Today, I felt what Brad Pitt must feel... I just love kids. I always have for some reason. There's something just so cool about the blatant honestly of a child. An unspoiled innocence. My friend, Tommy, adopted a little baby with his partner and his son is amazing, too. Now, don't go thinking I am considering adoption... I am just really thinking about kids. Maybe it's because I have one that I can't be with right now, or maybe it's just because I want to do everything right this time based on what I've learned from everything I've done wrong. Who knows. But I know I was meant to be a father... and someday, I pray, I will have the chance to do so again. I want Kyla to have a little brother or sister... and hopefully Kyla will understand that even though they won't have the same mommy, that they're loved equally, that they are both family and share the same name... which to me, is more than enough.

Busy week ahead at work... I am going to take the rest of my Sunday evening to rest, recharge and to meditate on my life, what I need to do to make Constant And Neverending Improvements to it and on how I can be the best friend, partner, leader and teacher I can be.

Now, some mail...

Hey…..I am so happy to hear that you on going on VACATION soon, if it’s FL then you better let me know so I can meet you!

LOL GOSH, I just saw a new pic of Kyla and she looks just like you. She is a beautiful little girl. Hopefully some day you will be close by her so you can spend more time with her. I know by seeing her pic’s it must be rough on you, but the good thing is she is still small and really does not know on what’s going on. No matter what happens in the relationship, you seem like a funny, awesome guy. And it sounds to me like you have already meet someone special…..can’t wait until you “come out”LOL


My reply...

Hey! Thanks for writing. You want to know something? I don't go look at the site her mom has for her. I know my family does, and I know that others I know do, and trust me, I know that some of you go from my page to the other page just to see if there's any drama, or whatnot, but you are right. It does hurt to see pictures of things I once got to experience first hand.

I know you must think that I should "get past it" and look in from time to time to see pictures, but, for reasons I'll keep to myself, just know that I don't. Kyla's been shared with the world since the day she was born.. and as her daddy, I want some special moments to keep just to myself. I have some... not as many as I should, but I have some nonetheless. In fact, I, like a proud daddy, sent a bunch of my fellow radio friends her pics from her bday! Anyway, I just made a choice not to go to that page. There is too much pain there and fortunately, the scars, at least for me, have healed. Once in a while, Ky's "custodial parent" sends me a pic here and there of a milestone I've missed and I look on those with pride, just as any daddy would.

Now, to address my "coming out"...


Hope you enjoyed it! LOL! That's right. I'm not addressing that. That will for the first time in YEARS remain private. I am sure you'll see, or hear about it soon enough! Let's just say this: I am blessed. When God closes a door, He really does open a window. Life is funny that way.

Thanks for writing as you often do, and I hope you are well!


Send me emails. I'll keep your name/address private because God knows one time I posted email names and stuff here and people got harassing emails... so I'll keep your identity between us... tobyknapp@clearchannel.com is the addy to use... Thanks for passing by and reading my randomness on a Sunday. I trust you're all well and we'll talk soon.

:)

tk

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Thank god it's the weekend.

BLAH. I've just spent the last hour or so on the phone with my bank and with my credit card company... Nothing really out of the ordinary going on, I just wanted to be clear on something I saw when balancing my books and, isn't it funny that it takes SO DAMN LONG for them to clear up the MOST SIMPLE of things? UGH. Sometimes, Customer Service people are the FURTHEST thing from it. Fortunately, things are all worked out.

One of the toughest things about being a dad in the situation I am in is getting used to a new title: Non-Custodial parent. Hi, I am Toby Knapp, Non-Custodial parent of my daughter, Kyla! The title - like the entire "process" of being in a split-parent situation - is cold. It makes you feel like a second class parent when there was nothing you could do about it in the first place. Oh well.

Another one of the toughest things is how the communication between a "non-custodial parent" and the "custodial parent" breaks down. I used to never understand why kids from split parent homes have some issues. Now, I see it clearly. It actually makes me think of the Peter Gabriel song "Games with out frontiers" (i think that's what it's title is)... You'd think that you'd be able to remain somewhat friendly for the good of your child... sadly, it's not always the case.

Anyway... on to brighter things... like Music Midtown in Atlanta. I am still not 100 percent sure, but I think I may head down there to be a part of what is a pretty awesome music festival! Atlanta is not all that far away from here, and, you know abotu me and road trips! It's coming in a couple of weekends... so I have some time to make up my mind. Two years ago, a group of friends and I went down there as guests of a friend of mine who is in a band that was playing there. I was talking to one of them Friday... he was like, "I wish we could get the gang together and go down there"... I do too. God knows we could use the break! He's got his daughter that week (he's in a similar situation that I am in although now, he's remarried) so I understand. If I were lucky enough to have Kyla with me, I'd no doubt be in the same boat. BUT, I'd take her with me!

Funny... I am reminiscing about Music Midtown a couple of years ago... What a good time. It's funny how far we've all come since that trip 2 years ago. My friend met his wife to be on that trip, and I had to twist his arm to get him to go! Another friend is doing radio out west, another got a job out that way too. And me? I'm in the Carolinas now at a new station with new duties... It's funny how far somethings have come and gone... and how some things from that time have come full circle.


If I go, it will be a "coming out" appearance of sorts for me... and that's all I have to say about that... and no, I am not gay. LOL. ;) Speaking of trips... I am planning on skippin' the country soon! LOL - well, maybe not really, but it would be good to get out of here on a vacation soon... someplace warm, sunny and AWAY so that I can recharge. It's been a mentally, emotional and physically draining last several months. If you've followed along with the home game, you know what I mean. I think I've earned a break. And, it will be good to get away and spend some personal time reconnecting with some things...

Ok - so, I am off to the office to take care of some weekend work I do and then, I am off to the Gym, and then, to Ra later on tonight! I hope you're having a restful weekend and enjoying life. It's a pretty awesome thing, this life, isn't it? Embrace it! Remember that there is amazing power in remaining positive. I know that sometimes here it looks like I am venting... and sometimes, I am, but I always strive to look at the positive side of things. To me, life is worth living when you remember the number one rule: Have fun.

Maybe Tim McGraw was right. Live like you were dying. What powerful things happen when you live letting go!

-toby

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

More from the mailbag

This is fun! I was with one of my co-workers today and I say, "bro, given my track record of TRAGEDY when it comes to my past relationships, I wonder why people really think I can give good advice on how a relationship can be!"

Then, over the Mucho Lunch at El Chico, I realized something... I've screwed it all up, so I should be pretty good at telling people how things are! Trust me - I've BLOWN it... Which makes me kind of a master, right???

So - here's some more mail!


>>>>


Toby,
So I was surfing the web, bored at work and pulled up your blog site, and found my email. First thanks for posting it and thanks for no giving out my name and email address! .
The reason I asked you for some advice is because you are a man and a dad. See the guy I am talking about is a dad. And I was wanting someone who had kind of the same experiences that you have had. He was married for a short peirod and divorced. Now he has a wonderful daughter. So I thought that you would be the guy to ask my question to.
Anyways he did phone last night. And said that it is a whole "trust" issue. See his ex cheated on him while he was married. And that he is working on it. Working on it means he is working on what he calls not feeling so "strange". So I guess I am just giving him his space and letting him phone and make plans. We will see what happens then. What do you think about all of this is this a bunch of BS?
Well hope to hear from you soon! Hope your enjoying your day!


My response...


Hey there...

Ah, I get it now. I am sorry he was cheated on. You gotta understand a couple of things about dudes. 1) I cheated once and got caught. We tried to work it out, and even with a beautiful child, we couldn't make it work. See, I personally think we never really recovered from it. What should have been a "forgive and work to get over" became a "forgive and constantly remind" and that's why it didn't work.

Not sure about with him, but for me, that #1 situation leads to the #2 thing you need to realize about dudes... Deep down inside, they're insecure little boys - especially after they've been dumped. Even if they're cheating on you, when you, the chick, dump the dude, you become insecure, you retreat and you become very VERY insecure.

Now, to your thing - what I am saying is that I think he tried to make it work out and it didn't. So, now he's got lots of doubt and that's why he's got legitimate trust issues, but he's also got some inate insecurities too now.

That's what I am going through now. I dont think I am good enough to move on! Seriously... I think that I am gonna be too much trouble for the person I move on with... I think that the complications of me being a daddy will cause problems, too! I am in the gym all the time now b/c i think I need to (and, well, I do) need to drop MY baby weight from the last year, and you freak about that because with the baby's mama, I didn't have to worry about it as much! UGH! Lots of insecurities... he's gotta be feeling them BIG TIME! So here comes YOU... showing him attention, and he's so conditioned to FAILURE from the last one that he just can't move forward! He is afraid you'll bitch at him, yell at him, be just a complete C U Next Tuesday to him and that "echo" from the past eventually effects the future... YOUR future.

Trust me - he's going through the same things right now.... and they're not at all easy.

I'd say to give him a minute. Be supportive. Tell him that you understand and that you're willing to work with him. Realize he's gotta deal with his ex forever as she's the mom of his daughter and that it's not an easy thing to do... TRUST ME. Being a daddy from a distance sucks big time... and it's not at all easy. Not at all.

All of this being said, realize he's gotta work on himself as much as he's working on your relationship. You're not fighting for time or attention... you're just caught in a situation where he's fighting mental battles on two fronts. If it's meant to be - and if you BOTH really want it to work, it will. Trust me on that. If you BOTH want it bad enough, it will happen. But if ONE of you waivers, it will go down in flames. I think I speak from experience on that one.

If you both commit to working through it, to walking hand in hand through the trials that will come from this short term pain, you'll find long term happiness. As someone told me last night, "Follow your feelings, you must..."

Good luck to you. Hopefully I said something that helped.

Off to some star wars BS!

tk